One day, Sheryl Green realized people-pleasing was getting her nowhere.
She had trouble saying no to friends and family, until she hit the old metaphorical brick wall.
That’s when she discovered what a boundary is.
When Sheryl was growing up, she dreamed of becoming an FBI profiler and hunting down serial killers. A wicked cool job that would have been, if you ask me … I mean, I’ve seen almost every episode of Criminal Minds … at least until Shemar Moore left the show.
She earned a master’s in forensic psychology until she realized she’d rather not spend her days inside the minds of criminals.
Her path took her instead to mental health, customer service, public relations, education and the nonprofit world, including animal rescue.
As a relationship expert, she has now authored six books, including “Surviving to Thriving: How to Overcome Setbacks and Rock Your Life,” “A Pet Parent’s Guide to First Aid and Prevention” and “You Had Me at No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps You Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships and Save Your Sanity.”
I brought Sheryl on to the podcast to talk about exactly that. Boundaries. Especially the boundaries we need to set and maintain when we’re facing or healing from the loss of our best fur friends.
What to listen for
4:19 How others can be inappropriate with our grief
9:30 What boundaries are and why they matter
15:01 How to assert your boundaries
21:10 Why having a “boundary buddy” can help
35:04 How standing up for ourselves maintains our self-worth
Where to find Sheryl
Sheryl Green Speaks
You Had Me at No on Amazon
Sheryl’s books on Amazon
Facebook
Don’t forget
Angela
Welcome to One Last Network and The Art of Saying No.
One day, Sheryl Green realized people-pleasing was getting her nowhere.
She had trouble saying no to friends and family, until she hit the old metaphorical brick wall.
That’s when she discovered what a boundary is.
When Sheryl was growing up, she dreamed of becoming an FBI profiler and hunting down serial killers. A wicked cool job that would have been, if you ask me … I mean, I’ve seen almost every episode of Criminal Minds … at least until Shemar Moore left the show.
She earned a master’s in forensic psychology until she realized she’d rather not spend her days inside the minds of criminals.
Her path took her instead to mental health, customer service, public relations, education and the nonprofit world, including animal rescue.
As a relationship expert, she has now authored six books, including “Surviving to Thriving: How to Overcome Setbacks and Rock Your Life,” “A Pet Parent’s Guide to First Aid and Prevention” and “You Had Me at No: How Setting Healthy Boundaries Helps You Banish Burnout, Repair Relationships and Save Your Sanity.”
I brought Sheryl on to the podcast to talk about exactly that. Boundaries. Especially the boundaries we need to set and maintain when we’re facing or healing from the loss of our best fur friends.
Have a listen.
Good morning, Sheryl Greene, how are you today?
Sheryl
I am good. How are you doing?
Angela
I’m wonderful. Thank you. Why don’t you introduce yourself and the gorgeous little creature who’s sitting in your lap.
Sheryl
So I am out here in Las Vegas. I’m a mental health speaker and author. And I’ve worked in animal rescue and been involved in the animal world for 15 years now. This little guy is Bodie. He is a chihuahua-corgi mix, we think and he was my COVID, quarantine, foster fail. So or foster success, however you want to look at that. He’s kind of awesome, but blind, deaf, old and just wants to sleep on my chest. That’s pretty much his life and he’s living his best life.
Angela
That’s not a terrible way to spend a day all day asleep?
Sheryl
Nope.
Angela
I kind of love it. So you are a relationship expert, one who has written several books on the subject? Yes?
Sheryl
I’ve written several books on a few different subjects. But yes, relationships, one, one of them.
Angela
I probably need your help in more ways than one. But one of the reasons that I invited you onto the podcast was to talk about boundaries, and the boundaries that we may need. As we enter the stages of anticipatory grief, and pet loss, grief. How does grief impact personal boundaries, especially in the context of losing a pet?
Sheryl
You know, I think there’s a couple of interesting things. One, when you’re dealing with grief, this is just from my own experience, I have not researched this part of the subject. But I lost my stepmom a few months ago, and what kind of blew my mind was the inappropriateness that people displayed. And I realize, you know, when somebody passes, you have no idea what to say. And there’s, there’s really nothing that can come out of your mouth, that’s going to make anybody feel better, whether it’s a human or an animal.
Um, but I’ve learned a whole lot of things not to say.
And it just kind of boggles my mind what people thought was okay. And yeah, there’s a certain level of like commiseration, like, oh, you lost yours. I lost mine like, that everybody expects and yeah, it does kind of make you feel like okay, I’m talking to a kindred spirit right now. But there were just so many things that people said to me, that I guess I wasn’t looking at it at the time, and my other dogs gonna start barking in two seconds. So I apologize for that. I didn’t look at it as a boundary violation at the time. But just because I was so deep in the grief and so deep in the, you know, what the heck is going on right now. But really, it is like, it’s just so inappropriate to kind of dump on people. And, you know, you get it with with humans, you get it with pets, too. So I would say, one, it. You, I didn’t know what to say back. I didn’t know how to say what you’re doing right now. And what you’re saying right now is completely inappropriate, and completely out of line. And that’s coming from somebody who wrote a book on boundaries. So truthfully, um, so yeah, I would say just and I’m totally not even answering your question. I apologize for that. But I would say you know, when you are when you are going through grief, have that in your head that you don’t need to take on other people’s processing. And that was that was one of the biggest things that I saw was people wanted to process with me. Oh, I’m gonna miss her so much. Oh, I remember this. And I remember this and I was not in a place for that. Like I’m dealing with my own crud over here. Like, I need you to go away and it got to the point where my husband was answering my phone for me Oh, and because it just everybody was calling like, oh, like, you know, they just wanted to share and I get it. But no. So I know honey in terms of just personal boundaries and not not even coming from the outside, but just those internal boundaries I think it it’s important to accept where you are in in the grief and not not punish yourself for it not make it not okay, why am I doing this? Why am I still here? But I, I had someone I had a friend when I, when I was getting ready to say goodbye to my my soul dog who said, I want you to think of something this week, next week, you know, be here now. And I didn’t realize that at the time. But that was a boundary for me, to to set with myself. Because it’s very easy to get wrapped up in what’s going on and try to escape it. And there is Do you see the fur flying here but it’s very easy to try and escape that pain. And he wanted an ungrateful he said this, he wanted me to be present with my girl. Until you know like she’s here right now. Like there is no need to mourn right now like she’s here. And then afterwards to be present with the pain. So that was kind of my little internal boundary. And it’s something that I still have to when I was going through everything with my stepmom, I still had to be here now. Just be here now.
Angela
Yeah, I got way ahead of myself with that question.
Sheryl
How did she come out of that?
Angela
Dang. Let’s start with the very, let’s go back and restart with the very basics of it all, what is a boundary? And why does that matter in relationships?
Sheryl
Yeah, so a boundary, I like to explain it as a property line. It’s where we end and someone else begins. And it’s about having enough respect for ourselves, not to let people cross our property lines inappropriately, and having enough respect for other people, that we don’t do it to them. And I think that’s, that’s part of what gets lost in boundary discussions, is you know, the phrase to be to have a friend, you have to be a friend. To have good boundaries, you have to respect other people’s boundaries. So that’s, that’s where that relationship piece comes in. And yes, there’s boundaries with yourselves as with yourself, as I just mentioned, but think of that property line. And think about, you know, would you want your neighbor coming onto your property and throwing the party in your backyard without talking to? Or will use the dog example, would you want your neighbor’s dog coming onto your front lawn and taking a big dump? It’s, it’s it happens, but it’s not okay. Like, these are this is your property and you dictate what’s okay. On on your property. And this is your life, your body, your emotions, your, your mental state, your your material items, your everything. So what’s okay, how is how do you accept? How do you dictate that people treat you?
Angela
How do you understand what your boundaries could or should be?
Sheryl
Rearview mirror. For so many of us, we were not raised, discussing boundaries at all. I mean, I don’t I don’t think that word ever entered into my childhood. But we were not. We were not raised in an environment where it was okay to say, I don’t like what you’re doing. No, you may not treat me that way. No, you may not touch me. No, you know, we It wasn’t acceptable. It was you know, for most kids, like, oh, children should be seen and not heard. You know, shut up deal with whatever’s coming your way. And when you’re in adults, you can fix everything. And that’s really what we’re saying to our kids unfortunately. Like here Go Go find a therapist, once you hit 18, you’ll be fine. So what I found is that most of boundary work, most of this journey that I’ve been on, has been after the fact. It’s, it’s looking at a certain situation and going, Ah, I don’t like how I felt. I don’t like how that played out. I don’t like how they treated me. What went wrong? What can I improve in the future? And as you go through this, and you go through this exercise, you know, plenty of times, then when a similar situation occurs in the future, the little like antennae go up, you know, your little like, red flag is like, wait a second, we’ve been here before. This, you know, there’s a blip in the matrix, whatever it is, like, I know how this ends, if I take the same steps, and I don’t like it, so I’m going to change it. So down to your work, really, a lot of it is just what went wrong in the past? And how do I learn from it? And how do I fix it going forward?
Angela
It sucks that it has to come from a place of reaction. Is there any way to be proactive about it?
Sheryl
Is there there is and you know, moving forward? Like yes, you do. Like I said, it gets it gets easier as you’re going forward? I had a therapist who did this exercise with me. She said, One day, she’s just like, Well, what do you need? And I just got this like deer in headlights look, and I’m staring at her. And I’m like, I don’t understand the question. She was like, Well, what do you need? What do you need in a relationship? What do you need in a friendship? What do you need from your career? And she went through all these different categories. And that was probably the hardest exercise I’d ever done. Because nobody ever asked. Right? Like, growing up, it wasn’t about what I need. It was about what everybody else needs and how I can fulfill that for them. So yeah, can you be proactive? Absolutely. Sit down and figure out what you need. What do you like, what do you want, and realize that you’re allowed, you you have you have, if you’re watching this, you officially have permission to have needs, and to have your own preferences and everything. And that way, when those boundaries situations do come up. You can be like, Well, wait a second. That’s not what I need. Or that’s not what I want. And I opened my book with the line. I hate monopoly. And I do sorry if anybody loves monopoly, but I it’s just not my game. But there I was playing it with my fiance and two of my best friends. And it was because I didn’t know in that moment that I could say, Hey, guys, I hate this. Can we play Scrabble instead? And it’s those little things that nobody meant to do anything to me and they certainly didn’t want to upset me or, you know, make me play something I hate. But no one knows. Because we don’t know. So, you know, I would say go through that exercise and really dive deep. It’s painful. I’m not gonna lie, like, sitting there and going like, Oh, what do I need? Okay, because then you’re like, Oh, where am I with that? Am I close to it? Am I getting none of that? So it’s, it takes some energy. It takes some time, but it’s well, well worth it.
Angela
Okay, total sidebar. I hate Monopoly to good good, it sucks. It’s probably because I’m bad with money. It’s so in real life. So why would I want to play with it in a game
Sheryl
I just didn’t want to buy hotels, I want to like set up animal rescues.
Angela
Now there’s a game I can be on board. So what are some of the ways we can enforce our boundaries when we’re in an awkward or distasteful situation?
Sheryl
I like that I like the word distasteful. So So can I actually back up one second because what I’m gonna do, okay, so I’m in terms of the Why don’t we? Because I think that factors into the how do we if you think not, Think back because we weren’t there. But think about, you know, cavemen, think back all the way to tribes of humans wandering the earth. If you upset others, if you didn’t pull your weight, if you did something that made people dislike you, your life was physically in jeopardy, you would be struck out of the tribe. And now, you know, you could be lunch for a passing while Oh, wildebeest. So we have this like, lizard brain part of us that were like, if I don’t make people happy, I will be cast out. If I don’t people, please, they will not like me. And whether we know we’re doing it or not, it is a short, you know, hop, skip and a jump over to and I will be eaten. So, I have gotten to the point where I’m like, if I’m faced with a situation, I’m like, Am I just doing this because I want to make somebody else happy. I have to stop and say to myself, am I afraid to get eaten? And it sounds so silly. It does. And I admit that. But it’s it’s that break that we need between the conscious and the unconscious mind. So once you once you’ve accepted that, once you realize like, the real reason behind people pleasing, is that we don’t want to get cast out. Once you realize that, it’s easier to communicate it. And in terms of enforcing boundaries, one know what your boundary is, because nobody else is going to help you get there. And very few people are gonna say, Well, you seem to be uncomfortable with this situation, let me stop. Yes, there’s gonna be some people out there that like truly have our best interests and at heart, but it’s not frequent. So no, know what your boundary is, and know why. You don’t have to communicate it. But know why for yourself. And then be very clear. And be kind, there’s no need to be nasty. But you also want to make sure that there’s no room for doubt. There is no room for whittling and there’s no room for like, well, what if I, what if we just do this, you know, and just to bring it back to dogs, you know, you say like, Hey, you can’t be on the bed or whatever. Not in my house. But I’m sure some people say that. And, you know, first there’s like a paw on the bed. You’re like, well, it’s just their paw. They’re just looking to see what’s going on. And then, you know, they’re standing up and they’re leaning on the bed, you’re like, wow, you know, it’s just, they’re just, they’re just saying hi. And then you know, you wake up the next day and they’re sprawled out, there’s no room for you. Um, people do that too. You know, if they, if they see that that inch they’ll take a mile to use a really old expression. So be clear, like no thank you. No, I don’t want to do this. I don’t have the time for this. This is not a priority for me right now. However you’re going to phrase it just be very clear.
Angela
When we’re in grief, we can be particularly fragile and lack the wherewithal or self-confidence to really enforce those boundaries. What are ways we can do that and still feel comfortable with ourselves in the situation?
Sheryl
Get a boundary buddy ah, have have that person in your life whether it’s your your partner, your spouse, a friend, whoever it may be a co worker have have someone in your life that can we were talking about this earlier, you know, that can take the phone out of your hand that can answer the phone that can look at it and go you don’t need to get back to them. Have someone in your life that is thinking more clearly and from a less emotional space than you are? That kind of kind of reflected back to you and can can act as that gatekeeper for you. Look where I I’m not I’m this is not coming from a scientific place. This is my own experience. I’m not sure there’s a way to get rid of guilt. Hmm, I don’t know that there, I have not found it yet. If somebody has, please call me. But I’m not sure we’re ever going to be able to release all all sense of guilt around losing somebody, around having to take care of someone or around anything we deal with. But I think there’s other people in our lives that can act as that sounding board. And that can can make us feel a little bit better about our actions, and protect us from ourselves.
Angela
If you’re in that situation, you’ve enforced your boundary, you’ve said no, and an individual keeps pushing. Is it okay to just walk away?
Sheryl
Yeah, and that’s, that’s probably one of the hardest things to accept in all of this is you can, I don’t like the word demand, you can dictate how people treat you. It, or you can dictate how you what you will accept from people, let me put it that way. Yeah, what you can’t do is control how they actually do treat you. And there does come a point with certain people that you’re going to realize they’re not respecting my boundaries, they’re pushing them, they’re giving me giving me a ton of a ton of difficulty over there. They’re making me feel terrible about, you know, these boundaries I’ve laid down, they don’t deserve to be in your life. And it’s okay to either say goodbye, or if it’s someone you do have to deal with, and there’s no way around that to to, to put up that divider and be like, you don’t get to be a part of this aspect of my life. Does that make sense?
Angela
Yeah. It doesn’t have to become particularly sticky. If it’s a family member or close friend.
Sheryl
It does. It absolutely does. And I would I would say, look, yeah, family is important. Absolutely. But there comes a certain point where they are toxic. family member, it can be toxic, they can be detrimental to your mental health, sometimes to your physical health. And are you more loyal to that family member? at your own expense? Or are you more loyal to yourself? And ultimately, we have to be loyal to ourselves. And we have to respect ourselves. And sometimes, yeah, I mean, you think about it, there’s a lot of people that don’t have relationships with their family. Sometimes it’s over something stupid, but sometimes there’s a really damn good reason that they don’t talk to them.
Angela
Yeah. As you alluded to earlier, people say some stupid shit to you when you’re in grief.
Sheryl
Yes, they do.
Angela
It becomes exponentially more so stupid when you’re talking about fat loss. And, you know, we group that into this style of grief called disenfranchised grief. Not fully accepted by society, and people diminish our grief. Because it’s just a dog. And you can always get another dog. How can we express to people that that stupid shit is hurtful?
Sheryl
Yeah. You know, I would, I would say, prepare for anybody because it’s going to happen. Prepare a canned response. something to the effect of I realized that you don’t understand the relationship that I had with my my pet with my child. And that’s okay. What’s not okay, is you diminishing my feelings or what’s the word? I would craft this more if I wasn’t on the spot. But just saying that, you know, I get it. You don’t understand that’s okay. You don’t have to, but you do have to respect where I’m coming from. And either be supportive or don’t be here.
Angela
Oh, that’s perfect. And I, you got into my head a little bit there because I was going to ask about planning. One of my mentors Colleen Ellis, she talks about planning for the end stage, even when your pet may be perfectly healthy to think about the things that you want to do in order for it to be as peaceful a goodbye as it possibly can. Can setting boundaries be part of that process?
Sheryl
Yeah, I one of the things that I saw right before my stepmom passed and now I’m dealing with my my dad’s dementia, one of the things I’ve noticed a lot is What is it Monday, Monday morning quarterbacking or armchair quarterbacking where everybody has an opinion about well, did you do this? You should probably do this. Like, what? You know, I … did you check. I had somebody asked, you know, had my my stepmom had she seen had she gotten a second opinion. She was dying of this illness for 20 years. Like, I think we’re past the second opinion stage. Um, and, you know, sorry, I didn’t … literally, it was true was 20 years in the making? Um, but look, we’re gonna deal with that with our furbabies to, you know, oh, well, are you sure it’s time? You know, and look, you can … That’s a very personal decision. That’s a very familial decision. That’s a very, I don’t even want to like point at my dog, my senior while I’m saying this, but that is a very big decision that … I’m not saying you should make it in a vacuum but it has to feel right in your heart and having somebody else second guessing you. Or …
Angela
Oh, the amount of doubt and guilt and second guessing we’re already riddled with and then somebody compounding it. You really have to be able to say stop.
Sheryl
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And and, you know, I think if you are prepared enough and strong enough to say stop, then I go for it. I’m not sure everybody is. And I think sometimes you might just have to say I’ll take that under advisement. I hear what you’re saying. Thanks. You know, but yeah, if you can say stop, do that one. That’s just harder for some people. But yeah, you’re always and going back to preparation. That’s, that’s, that’s something you can guarantee that you’re going to experience. That second guessing that everybody’s got an opinion. And everybody wants to voice theirs and they know better. And you’re the one that you know. Yeah, with with my girl like I was the one sleeping on the floor with her five feet from the door because she would wake up in the middle of the night vomiting. Nobody else was there with me. So thanks for your opinion, but no thanks.
Angela
Is it ever okay to adjust our boundaries?
Sheryl
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. boundaries. So there’s three types of boundaries. There’s rigid, there is permeable. And oh, my goodness, I forgot the third one. So basically, I look at this as Do you remember Goldilocks and the Three Bears? Yes. Okay. So we won’t talk about Goldilocks having no boundaries whatsoever. And what are you doing wandering into somebody’s house, but that’s besides the point. So that, you know, she she slept in the bed or she got into the bed. And like, one of them was too hard. Sorry. Okay. It’s rigid, permeable and healthy. There we go. One of the beds was too hard. One of the beds was too soft. One of the beds was just right. So your hard boundaries are I don’t let anybody in. You don’t get to know me. You don’t get access to my heart. I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want your opinions on anything. Like just you stay over there. I’m gonna put up a brick wall instead of a fence. Then you’ve got the ones that are too permeable. You know, like, oh, yeah, give me your opinion on absolutely everything. Let me you know, let me just dump my life story in your lap when we just met in the grocery store. I don’t know how to say no, I don’t know how to tell you what I need, like the one that we’re pretty much all familiar with. And then there’s those healthy ones. And the healthy ones are, it’s a case by case decision whether or not I’m going to let you into my, my heart and my emotions. I’m going to say no, when I want to say no. And I’m gonna say yes, when I want to say yes. So there’s that happy medium that that little, little bear, you know, Bears bed going this is this is just right. And that’s really what we want to shoot for. Because everybody has boundaries, they’re just not all healthy.
Angela
And as we talked off camera before hitting record, we know that grief is such an individual journey. And there is really nothing in the world that can prepare us for it. And I know that when my mom died, the boundary that I put up was rigid as fuck. Like, thou shalt not pass. Yeah, I am dealing with this on my own in my own way. But over time, it had to become more permeable, I suppose. And I had to allow other people in to help me. Does that make sense?
Sheryl
Absolutely. And, you know, I think look, when we’ve, when we first have been hurt in any situation, I … you know, losing a loved one a divorce, like somebody’s cheating, or whatever, I’m just pulling examples here. Like, your very first reaction is going to be like, defensive stance, you know, like, stay away from me, nobody’s going to hurt me again. I remember I, I was married in a, in another lifetime and divorced. And right after it. This sounds silly, but I couldn’t watch home shows. Like I love decorating shows, renovating, or organizing all that stuff. I couldn’t watch it because I was hurt. And I was putting up this defensive like, Well, I’m just, I’m never gonna get into this situation. Again, I’m never gonna, I’m never going to get married again. I’m never going to do any of these things. And so I don’t want to see the world. And that was like my own kind of defensive stance. That was my own protective stance. But as you go through this, as you process, whatever you’re dealing with in the moment, that’s bound to change. And hopefully it’s going to change if it’s not like, see a therapist, because that’s a whole other issue. But yeah, that should soften a little bit to the point where you can welcome people in you can, you can ask for help. You can you can embrace the support that others want to give you. Not the one saying stupid shit, but the other ones. You can, you can be open to that. So yeah, I think it’s perfectly normal, healthy and necessary.
Angela
What is the emotional toll it takes on us when people overstep our boundaries?
Sheryl
I would, I would say the biggest emotional toll is not the actual overstepping of the boundaries. It’s us not standing up for ourselves. Because if somebody does step over your boundaries, and you’re like, not cool, back it up. Not gonna happen again. That’s a different situation. Because that that came from the outside you handled it. I think the real problem comes in when somebody oversteps and you accept it, because I think over time, not even overtime right in the moment, that kind of diminishes your self esteem and your self worth. And it it takes away from who you are and how you see yourself. And I know like, look, this the boundary journey that I talked about, this is lifelong. I don’t know anybody who’s like got it nailed down, and is absolutely perfect in every situation. And I’m certainly not and there are times when something happens, and I don’t react to it. And afterwards, I’m like, son of a chicken. Like, how, how did I not see that? And I’m kicking myself. And it does. It slowly, like wears away at who you are. And I think it helps when you look at it and go like, okay, stop beating yourself up and start learning, like learn from it. But I think yeah, that bigger danger is the allowing it. Because we, we will look at boundary violations as us being the victims. And we’re not, like get that right out of your head. If it’s in there like we are not the victims because that means it gets to keep happening. We have the power to say no, you don’t treat me like that. Okay, you do treat me like that. No, you’re not in my life. So, yeah.
Angela
Yeah. Um, my therapist in 2007 had me read Harriet Lerner’s, The Dance of Intimacy. And that’s where I started learning about boundaries. But I can sit here today and tell you that I still don’t know shit about it. Like every day is a journey and realizing what is and what is not OK for people to say and do in my life. So we do have to have a certain level of self compassion too. And that’s a big part of it, isn’t it?
Sheryl
It is. That and yeah, like, I think I said that before, like, don’t it, it only makes it worse, if you’re kicking yourself. You know, if you can choose to say like, Hey, that didn’t quite go as well, as well as it could have. And look at it again, that rearview mirror like, oh, okay, so I don’t like how I felt I did not react in a way that I would have liked. And how could I do this differently in the future? And file that away? Because, yeah, every situation is going to be unique. But at the same time, every situation is there’s only a finite amount of, of things that can actually happen. It’s the details that change, and being able to say like, OK, I was in a situation very similar to this over here. And I didn’t like it. So what am I going to do differently now that it’s here again. And we go through the same situations, and we meet the same people, they’re in different bodies, but they are teaching us the same lesson and we’re going to keep meeting them until we learn it. So, so yeah, don’t beat yourself up, but do learn from it.
Angela
Let’s be clear on one thing. It is OK for our dogs to overstep our boundaries.
Sheryl
Every single time. Yes. I’m actually working on like, a little thing about like pets and boundaries. And how they have none. I I can’t even get the recliner up before Bodie is in my lap and making his way making comfortable and I’m like just give me two seconds. No, no, no, no, I sleep with you know a butt here and a tail across my face and I I wouldn’t have it any other way when it comes to them. But I do wish he’d stopped peeing on rugs because we’ve gone through several so that boundary really really would be nice to enforce.
Angela
Oh my gosh, you make me laugh. What is the name of your book on boundaries that we should read?
Sheryl
So it is called You Had Me at No and it’s about setting healthy boundaries helps banish burnout repair relationships and save your sanity. But if you just Google You Had Me at No, you’ll find it.
Angela
Fabulous. That the link will be in the show notes. Absolutely. What is one last piece of advice you can give our listeners especially about pet loss grief and boundaries?
Sheryl
Be here now. Yeah, I whether it’s before the end and leading up to it or after and processing it. Be here now. Because you want to spend every single moment you can with them. And the present for that and make those memories. And afterwards, you need to process your emotions and deal with them before they eat you alive. So can you come on? I’m trying to have a moment here believe right? Okay. That’s the other one.
Angela
That’s Buddy.
Sheryl
This is Buddy.
Angela
Hi, Buddy. You really are a terrier mix and husky and something. That’s a terrier nose if I ever saw one.
Sheryl
He’s just the sweetest.
Angela
And he howls.
Sheryl
He does. Yes, you can get him singing. We send Happy birthday videos to friends and family. And we get him howling. Bodie sings the chorus and he howls.
Angela
Oh, my goodness, what a snuggle bug.
Sheryl
He’s got to earn his kibble.
Angela
Cheryl, this has been such an amazing conversation. Thank you so much for joining me today.
Sheryl
Thank you. Thank you. This has been awesome and thank you for doing what you do because it’s important.
Angela
Now is your chance.
Now is your opportunity to prepare for the shitty things people say to you and the shitty ways people treat you.
Not just in grief but also in life in general. There is no better time than the present.
When we are grieving our best fur friends, though, we may be exceptionally vulnerable. We feel alone, like we have no one to turn to. We are confused. We are missing the one constant source of love, companionship and support that we had.
Their absence can be devastating.
The people in our lives can trivialize the loss by saying “it was just a dog” or “you can always get another cat.”
They offer unsolicited advice. “You should put your dog down already” or “you should take a vacation now that you don’t have to care for your old horse.”
They want you to get over it as quickly as they do.
Or they want to tell you your dog is waiting for you at the rainbow bridge, when you may not believe in an afterlife.
When it comes to our family and friends, they may very well be trying to make us feel better but a lot of the things people say and do miss the mark. They fail to understand how important our pets are, they fail to appreciate the depth of our love and bond for our companion animals.
It is so important for us to be able to say “stop” or “please, not now.” Whichever way makes you feel most comfortable. If you’ve been listening long enough or know me outside this podcast, you might be able to guess which two words I would use.
But you’re not me. And I’ve had a lot of practice telling people to fuck off over these last few decades. I didn’t get here without the help of my therapist, though.
If you do need professional help, don’t hesitate to seek it. Read Sheryl’s book to get started, contact my friend Beth Bigler, a certified pet loss grief counsellor, or find a therapist in your area to talk one-on-one with.
Our boundaries aren’t just a coping mechanism. They’re a tool for survival that will help us protect ourselves even in the days after we heal from our grief.
Next week, the Dr. Julie Buzby, a holistic veterinarian and the creator of ToeGripz, joins us to talk about care for our senior dogs.
Until then …
