Nancy Kieffer of Nancy Kieffer Photography in Syracuse, New York, interviews Linda Colletti of the Pet Loss Resource Center in Madison, Wisconsin.
Linda recently took the reins of the Pet Loss Resource Center, after acting as the director of support services for several years. She launched her grief career in the late ’80s after experiencing the loss of several pregnancies.
She chose to live her life in grief, becoming a grief counselor and working for Hospice Care Inc. for 21 years, facilitating support groups, individual counseling and other presentations.
She has authored 101 Rainbow Ribbons: Helping Children Understand Basic Concepts of Dying and Death and she now dedicates her life to guiding pet guardians on their grief journeys.
At the Pet Loss Resource Center, she provides a safe place for pet parents to express their grief over the tremendous loss they endure after their pets have been lifted up.
She holds a Bachelor’s of Science in individualized grief counseling and social work and she has completed course study at American Pet Loss and Bereavement.
The Pet Loss Resource Center, founded in 2009 by Mark Meinholz, provides free support to the pet loving community. It is dedicated to providing pet parents with supportive resources as they face the hardest part of loving a companion animal — the last goodbye.
What to Listen For
6:08 Why pet parents may have a bigger need for grief support
8:18 The pets that stole Linda’s heart
13:36 Why anticipatory grief can be part of our healing
22:00 How guilt shows up for almost every one of Linda’s clients
Where to Find Linda
Pet Loss Resource Center
Instagram
Facebook Support Group
LinkedIn
Angela Schneider
Welcome to One Last Network and The Art of Counseling Pet Parents in Grief.
Today, Nancy Kieffer of Nancy Kieffer Photography in Syracuse, New York, interviews Linda Colletti of the Pet Loss Resource Center in Madison, Wisconsin.
Linda recently took the reins of the Pet Loss Resource Center, after acting as the director of support services for several years. She launched her grief career in the late ’80s after experiencing the loss of several pregnancies.
She chose to live her life in grief, becoming a grief counselor and working for Hospice Care Inc. for 21 years, facilitating support groups, individual counseling and other presentations.
She has authored 101 Rainbow Ribbons: Helping Children Understand Basic Concepts of Dying and Death and she now dedicates her life to guiding pet guardians on their grief journeys.
At the Pet Loss Resource Center, she provides a safe place for pet parents to express their grief over the tremendous loss they endure after their pets have been lifted up.
She holds a Bachelor’s of Science in individualized grief counseling and social work and she has completed course study at American Pet Loss and Bereavement.
The Pet Loss Resource Center, founded in 2009 by Mark Meinholz, provides free support to the pet loving community. It is dedicated to providing pet parents with supportive resources as they face the hardest part of loving a companion animal — the last goodbye.
Have a listen.
Nancy Kieffer
I am with Linda Colletti right now. She is from Madison, Wisconsin, and she is with the Pet Loss Resource Center. Through One Last Network, we have a community group and someone posted the article that was in … was in the Madison, Wisconsin …
Linda Colletti
Journal?
Nancy
Yes, no. Yeah. And someone had posted that in there. And so we read that and I decided to do the interview with you.
Linda
That’s wonderful. Very far reaching, isn’t it?
Nancy
Yes, it is. So welcome.
Linda
Thank you very much.
Nancy
So why don’t you just tell me a little bit about you and what brought you into this arena of doing pet loss grief.
Linda
Well, it’s kind of a long and winding road. I started … it actually goes back to my 20s when I was working as an LPN, licensed practical nurse. And during that time, I was a young woman, and I had some pregnancies that I lost, I lost four babies, one stillborn, which kind of threw me into grief, like I’ve couldn’t believe.
I didn’t know what was happening to me, was very difficult and formed a support group at that time for bereaved parents. And because of all of that, I got very interested in death and dying and bereavement, ended up working for hospice care. And worked … ended up working there 21 years but immediately, I knew that I wanted to work in bereavement. I really, that was my, where I wanted to be.
So I finished my degree in grief counseling and bereavement or, and social work. And all the time during hospice, I, I was also very interested in pet bereavement. So I did start a support group for people who had lost pets. And I even counseled people. They would call me, you know, one on one, and wanted to talk.
So then many years went by, and I retired, sort of, not really. And I, I, a friend sent me an advertisement for this group that was looking for pet loss counselor. And I thought, well, OK, that sounds very interesting. And so I signed on to that and worked for them for a while, for about, well, about four years, with them, and then a couple years now for … independently.
And I honestly feel like I found my home. I love working with pet … pet parents, they have the biggest hearts. And I think they have a bigger need, you know, for support.
Nancy
And why do you feel that is, that they have a bigger need? Do you think it’s because it doesn’t seem to be an accepted, an accepted form in this society of grief?
Linda
Yes. I mean, I think it’s getting a little better, perhaps, but I think that people will … after they lose a pet, they have to kind of judge who they can talk to. Because there’s that whole faction of people that still say, what’s your problem, you know, just get another pet, you know, just replace it and everything will be fine.
And it is not like that. I don’t think this society as a whole understands the intensity of the grief. I really feel that it’s very, very close to losing a child out Um, you know, our relationship with our pets is so unique, they’re always there. They’re our comfort there, they don’t grow up and move away. They are there. And they depend on us. And we depend on them. And so the loss is … and they’re part of our everyday life. So the loss is huge.
And I don’t think the community understands that. And then people don’t get, yeah, two weeks off work for pet loss. They don’t get, you know, often don’t have funerals, they don’t get flowers, they don’t get this support, you know, the support out there that is needed. And I think all those things are in place for when humans die. And they’re in place for a reason and people with who’ve lost, you know, a major being in their life. They just, you know, they kind of stay more isolated, I guess. Yeah. But their grief on their own?
Nancy
Definitely. Now, do you feel was there a special pet in your life that kind of, that you felt this led you into?
Linda
I guess I’ve always, I’ve always had pets. You know, they just an important part of my life. And but I guess that there were two pets that were kind of my heart pets. And one was a cat named Shikora. He was a scaredy cat. Um, and but he was so dear. And I remember when I heard, you know, got the news that he was, you know, failing and was going to die. I, I asked him to give me a sign. I wasn’t sure when, you know, have him euthanized. And I just rocked him all night long and held him and by like, six in the morning, he had his first major seizure. And I thanked him profusely for giving me the sign. That’s what I needed to know. You know, so that I could proceed. So he was a really special cat.
But then my, my heart dog had kind of an interesting story. For some reason, I feel like my pets, when I got pets, it’s there’s some voice and me telling me I have to get one, you know. And for some reason, I had this all of a sudden, I felt like, my, I needed to get a dog. I had to have a dog. And I grew up with cocker spaniels. And I thought, well, I’ll just go to the Humane Society and see if there’s a cocker spaniel there. I didn’t think there would be. But I’ll look at the other dogs.
And of course, there was one cocker spaniel, a little red girl sitting there with her big brown eyes looking up at me and looking just pitiful. And it was like my heart just broke open. However, there was a sign on the door that said pending adoption. So I went out and went past the front desk, got in my car, turned the ignition on. Something made me turn that off, get back out, go back in. And I, the receptionist was just hanging up the phone and I said, you know if anything happens with that adoption for that little red cocker spaniel, I’d be interested.
And her mouth just dropped open. And she said, you know, who I was just talking to … were the people who were going to adopt her and they can’t take her. And it was like, Oh, there’s the sign. You know, she was mine. And she was a healing dog. My husband and I were having some problems at the time. We didn’t have children. It’s our second marriage. We didn’t have children together. This dog became our, ours and kind of healed what was going on, you know, because then we were caring for her. So she was, she was kind of my miracle dog. You know, she came to me in a very special way.
Nancy
They all do seem to come to us and at a time when we need them and need a certain thing, I think.
Linda
Yes, I think so too. There’s something at work there that I don’t understand, but I don’t try to understand and just go with it.
Nancy
Now you have a current pet, right? I see him behind you by the door.
Linda
Yes, yes, yes. That’s Skylar. And she’s 9, oh 9 and a half years old now she’s a little Cavalier King Charles. You know, we got her because that breed is supposed to be a lap dog and she is definitely a lap dog. She’s not high energy, she sleeps and she sits on our laps, she has to be very close to wherever we are. And she’s just a dear heart, a very, very sweet soul.
Nancy
So talking about her, do you have any anticipatory of issues with her? Do you feel her getting on with age and …
Linda
Yeah, I do. I mean, she’s been very, very healthy. Thank goodness, because Cavaliers can have heart issues and things like that. She doesn’t have any, any of that. But yeah, as the years inch on, you know, I start thinking about well, soon we’ll have a geriatric dog. And we’ll see. Years are numbered, I’m just trying to focus on OK, right now, right here, all is good. And we’re just going to enjoy her as much as we can.
Nancy
Yep. So in your practice, do you find that you have people that see you after a dog has died? Or do you have a lot that come to you with anticipatory grief?
Linda
I’d say in the past, it was mainly after the death, but recently, this last, oh, probably six months or so, I’ve been having more people coming to me for anticipatory. It is kind of a different way of dealing with grief. Grief is grief. And I think that they benefit quite a bit by being able to process some of their grief before their death or the death of their, their pet. I think it’s preparing them to know what to expect.
Nancy
And I see that you offer sessions three, three times a month, right?
Linda
Yeah.
Nancy
OK, so are they kind of mix sessions with whoever just wants to come or do you deal with a certain topic for each session, so if they want to come for that type of topic, or …
Linda
Yeah, right now ours are just open. And there’s no signup, it’s a drop-in and we have a little opening but then it’s pretty much letting people tell their story. And then the rest of the group kind of … who are all so incredibly supportive come in and, and you know, share their, their views or what had happened to them, you know, so we just give everybody a chance to tell their story but upcoming, we’re going to be doing like more of an educational group, do like a three-week group with more education and a little bit of support. So then those will be more topic-run.
Nancy
OK. Because it seems you do a lot of research in between your, your groups. I saw that you do some research and then you email participants with some additional things to think about.
Linda
Yeah, I do that. I try to make note, you know, when we have a group of what, what topics come up, you know, what are we talking about today? Is it mainly guilt or is it about when to get a new pad or you know, oftentimes they’ll ask about, you know, signs after that they experience after a pet dies and then I tried to find articles that, will, that kind of complement what we talked about. And I do it a lot for me too, because it keeps me on top of, of, you know, some of these articles and research and some stuff I don’t, you know, I kind of sift through what I think is appropriate, or, you know, that kind of goes along with how I believe, you know, so. But it’s nice for me to be able to offer that to them as, as a handout afterwards, if they want to do more reading on the topics we had discussed.
Nancy
You had worked at the Pet Loss Resource Center for a while, but now you’ve taken it over?
Linda
Ah, yes, yes.
Nancy
So has that been a big transition?
Linda
Oh, boy, um, the, you know, continuing to do groups and, and one on one sessions has been no problem that kind of, has stayed the same. But taking on a nonprofit is a bit outside of my, my comfort zone. It’s exciting in many ways, because I’m independent. So I can make some choices, I’m much more autonomous. That’s all the good side, but then there’s like fundraising, and finances, and oh, taxes, what else all those things that I know very little about, you know, that just, just kind of overwhelming right now, you know, and I do have a board, but I, and I use them a lot, they’re wonderful.
But I still have to, you know, get all these ducks in a row. And I just, I’m not a business person very, very much. I can do the work. But it’s, it’s just hard. And I’m older. And it’s harder for me to learn some of these new things, at least that’s my excuse. But it is, you know, it’s exciting. And we are growing, and it’s exciting. And the possibilities of what we can do in the future are there. So, you know, that’s what keeps me plugging along.
Nancy
Is there something in particular coming in the future that you’re thinking about or, or you want to share right now?
Linda
Yeah, I think I can, it’s just we’re looking for dates, we’re going to be doing some workshops. One is healing art workshop, in which we’re, we’ll kind of use that people experience, you know, what, what they can do with the, you know, expressive arts, you know, for their own healing. And I’m really excited about that, we have quite a few artists and crafters that use, you know, do some of those things already, you know, with, with the heart, expressing art in spirit. It’s, um, I’ve seen it be very effective for people and I and I, we’re going to offer that, like a three-hour workshop coming up this summer sometime.
And then we’re going to offer a workshop on everyday ritual. And, you know, not both of these will be open to the community. So I’m looking forward to that. And then we’re going to have an art and craft fair on that are have pet-related items, you know. Yeah. So I’m not sure about when that will be, but I’m looking forward to doing that. And then the other thing is we’re going to open a store on our website and sell items that some of the participants make. So to bring in a little extra money for our organization and for them to so yeah, well lots of things are, are in the works.
Nancy
That sounds wonderful. When it comes to the groups, when people are expressing their grief, I know sometimes there’s a lot of guilt people feel for their pets. I know I felt a lot of guilt with my one dog, my heart dog, when, when he died because I didn’t have the money, number one, to do a lot of medical stuff. And even if I did, they said it would only give him like three months more something so it wasn’t it wasn’t going to cure him. So I know I felt a lot of guilt myself. So is … do you work on some things like for self forgiveness?
Linda
Yeah, it seems like guilt comes up in every session we do. You know, there’s your pup coming in. Oh, nice. Um, yeah, you know, I think everybody feels some kind of guilt. There’s, there’s the guilt of oh, I euthanized too soon, you know, why didn’t I try more treatments? Why didn’t you know? Maybe they weren’t ready. And oftentimes, I think the pets kind of rally. Sometimes they rally a little bit when they’re nearing the end. And then you kind of think like, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, maybe, maybe he’s going to be OK.
Um, and then there’s people on the other side who feel guilty for not euthanizing soon enough, they saw their pet suffer, and wish they would have done it sooner. So yeah, there’s both sides, both sides of that. And I mean, we beat ourselves up so much with woulda, coulda shoulda us, you know, and the thing is, yeah, we keep going back to you did the best you could at the moment with the information you had, and you were acting out of love. I think intention is, is so important, you know, that you wanting the best for your pet.
But I think that also, like you were saying the money issue, I think we still have to consider our own needs to. I knew I just talked to a woman who was a caregiver for her dog for three years where she was taking the dog outside to potty because he couldn’t walk. She had to carry them out and carry him back in and the stress of caregiving on her was just taking its toll. She just couldn’t keep doing it. You know, and she was feeling guilty about that. But I think we too, have to consider our limitations.
If we can’t look into the future and see what this would, would it extend their life? Would they have good quality of life? If, if we tried that treatment or you know, if we kept him alive for another two months? Would that be good? Or would it be bad? We don’t know. And I kind of feel like, and I don’t know, you know, you may feel different or the same? I don’t know, but I feel like when we consider euthanasia, when that thought crosses our mind, like, is it time? I think it’s time. That somehow maybe they are communicating or pets are communicating to us that it is time. And again, I don’t know how any of that works. But you know, it, we just, we like to beat ourselves up a lot for that and yet for all the times and all the love and all the care we’ve given them, I think they’re OK with what our decision is we’re the ones as humans that have to make ourselves feel awful about it. So yeah, self forgiveness and it, you have to just keep at it. I think, you know, and know that you did, you loved this dog. The dog knew that or the pet knew that and you did the best you could. But it’s a hard one.
Nancy
Right. Do you work with people with a lot of varieties of pets?
Linda
Not a lot. I have had we have had bunnies, we’ve had chinchillas I have had a pig, one pig, a horse and a hamster. I, oh and a bird. Not often. It’s usually cats and dogs. But yeah, there are others that come through and it’s, it’s all kind of the same, the same grief.
Nancy
Is there anything else that I didn’t cover that you would like to talk about?
Linda
Yeah, I guess I just feel like, I don’t know, I feel so honored to be with people at this time. I think that, you know, I there’s no magic or anything in working with pet parents who are grieving. They have all the wisdom within themselves, you know, and I feel like I’m just, you know, walking with them, and letting them find their, their own path. Because there’s, I wish there was a magic wand and I could, you know, just take all the pain away, and poof, they’ll be fine. But I don’t have access to one.
But I do think that the resiliency of people is, it’s life affirming for me to witness. And even though you never forget your pet, you never stop grieving, you learn how to incorporate it into your life and be able to move on and maybe accept another pet into your heart. And I just find that it’s just so amazing to watch that kind of unfold in everybody. It’s a good place to, to be putting my efforts right now.
Nancy
That’s great. I’m sure everybody appreciates the time you take with them and the follow-up that you do with them. You go the extra mile for people, it seems.
Linda
I try to. You know, and all of us who’ve been there and had to experience losing a special pet, we know the pain of it, you know? And how hard it is and how lonely it can be. You know, so yeah, I, I feel like so much of my life just kind of led me here.
Nancy
Now, if anyone wanted to get a hold of you at the Pet Loss Resource Center, how would they do that?
Linda
They can contact me at our, on our, well, on our website, we have a place where people can contact and that’s petlossresourcecenter.org. And the other place would be our email, and that would be PLRCmadison@gmail.com. I check messages all the time. And the nice thing about, if there was a nice thing about COVID We’re all using we all learned how to use Zoom pretty well. So I do, two of my groups are Zoom meetings and the benefit of that is then I can include people from farther away to and that is, that is a plus.
Nancy
Well, thank you for taking the time to be with me today. I really appreciate that.
Linda
Thank you for asking me. It’s been nice talking to you.
Angela
That we feel alone in the world after saying goodbye to our beloved companion animals and are burdened by the guilt that we could have done something more to save them are recurrent themes in this podcast.
I invite you to relisten to The Art of Loving a Soul Dog with Coleen Ellis from May 6 in which we dig a bit into guilt and how it affects the way we grieve, the way we may see a new family member when another special fur babe finds her way into our hearts.
I’ve been thinking for some time that I may do a series of just me, digging into the major emotions — more often referred to as the “stages” — that accompany grief. Just me on my own, talking into the microphone.
Because I sure as heck experienced them all last year. I probably still do. Anger was a fun one. There was no looking sideways at me last summer. I was one pissed off ball of anger.
If that’s something you’d like to hear, please let me know in the comments. Or share with me how you experience each of those emotions — guilt, anger, denial, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Please email me at angela@onelastnetwork.com if you don’t want it aired publicly, though I may with your permission share your thoughts anonymously. Or if you’ve experienced this tremendous loss of a best fur friend and want to be interviewed, share your thoughts, drop me a line. I’d love to chat.
Oftentimes, we are connected by the loneliness we feel, but we don’t know how to make that connection. We feel shame for our grief, that we can’t express it publicly, because we have been told we should feel silly for grieving the loss of a dog. Or a cat. A horse. A goat, a pig, a chinchilla.
But remember what Coleen said in episode 10, The Art of Making Memories.
“70% of our population has a pet.83% of the 70% refer to themselves as mommy and daddy. So you and I, we look at our pets as family members, right? Pet loss is still referred to as a very disenfranchised grief. Here’s what’s interesting. The rules for pet loss, the rules for pet grief, the rules for pet mourning, the rules for pet rituals are written by the 30% who don’t get it. Right? So the 30% turned to us and say, Angela, you are extreme. I mean, it’s just a dog, you should probably get over that.”
Next week … oh boy, I expect this to be a bit of a tear-jerker. Darlene Woodward of Pant the Town Photography interviews Dr. Jennifer Cushing of Beloved Pet Home Euthanasia and Hospice in North Reading, Massachusetts. They’re going to dig into one of the biggest questions we have as pet guardians: How do we know when it’s time?
Until then …
