In a world that often feels fast-paced and impersonal, dealing with grief can be an isolating and challenging experience. Go back to episode 49, The Art of Exploring the Loneliness Within, to hear my thoughts on why that isolation becomes compounded when we lose our beloved pets.
When a companion animal leaves our physical world, our grief is profound and often misunderstood by people who haven’t experienced such a bond, including those who may be closest to us.
Recognizing this need for specialized support, Help Texts — an innovative SMS-based grief support service — recently released a segment dedicated to help individuals like us manage our pain and sorrow.
Help Texts makes a significant impact in the realm of grief support, providing a confidential and accessible platform for us to find solace and guidance during such a difficult time. It uses the simplicity and ubiquity of text messaging to deliver timely and empathetic support to people like us who may be struggling to find inclusive support or an appropriate outlet for our grief.
The pet loss grief segment demonstrates the organization’s commitment to addressing diverse forms to grief and fostering a compassionate and understanding community.
Melissa Lunardini, head of clinical at Help Texts, and Lianna Titcombe, a certified hospice and palliative care veterinarian out of Ottawa, Ontario, and one of Help Texts’ expert contributors, join me today to fill us in on all the details.
What to listen for
4:48 The beginning and intention of Help Texts
10:07 How Help Texts tailors messages to grief stages
19:58 The importance of grief support, especially in anticipatory grief stages
22:39 Why pet loss grief must be normalized and validated
27:57 The differences between generations and cultures when grief strikes
40:08 How Help Texts is changing the way grief is perceived
Where to find Help Texts
Help Texts
Instagram
Facebook
LinkedIn
TikTok
Other resources
Angela
Welcome to One Last Network and The Art of Checking Your Phone.
In a world that often feels fast-paced and impersonal, dealing with grief can be an isolating and challenging experience. Go back to episode 49, The Art of Exploring the Loneliness Within, to hear my thoughts on why that isolation becomes compounded when we lose our beloved pets.
When a companion animal leaves our physical world, our grief is profound and often misunderstood by people who haven’t experienced such a bond, including those who may be closest to us.
Recognizing this need for specialized support, Help Texts — an innovative SMS-based grief support service — recently released a segment dedicated to help individuals like us manage our pain and sorrow.
Help Texts makes a significant impact in the realm of grief support, providing a confidential and accessible platform for us to find solace and guidance during such a difficult time. It uses the simplicity and ubiquity of text messaging to deliver timely and empathetic support to people like us who may be struggling to find inclusive support or an appropriate outlet for our grief.
The pet loss grief segment demonstrates the organization’s commitment to addressing diverse forms to grief and fostering a compassionate and understanding community.
Melissa Lunardini, head of clinical at Help Texts, and Lianna Titcombe, a certified hospice and palliative care veterinarian out of Ottawa, Ontario, and one of Help Texts’ expert contributors, join me today to fill us in on all the details.
Have a listen.
Good morning. Oh, good afternoon for Lianna who is based in Ottawa, I am with Melissa Lunardini and Leanna Titcombe, and please correct me if I said that wrong. They are from Help Texts, an SMS-based service to guide people through their grief journey. Melissa, why don’t you start off by telling us a little about yourself and Help Texts?
Melissa
Sure. Thanks for having me. My name is Melissa Lunardini. And I’m the head of clinical at Help Texts. And essentially Help Texts is a as you suggested SMS service. So we send ongoing expert evidence informed grief support, via text message to people who’ve experienced the death of a pet, a beloved pet. And then we lean on experts in the industry, likely AMA, who can pull in their years of wisdom and experience and then that way, we’re able to take kind of all of their knowledge and distill it into a small text. And so people are really receiving very rich, beautiful grief, education and wisdom and tips, and support when they’re grieving.
Angela
Lianna, your turn, tell us a little bit about you. And what’s your touchpoint with pet loss and grief?
Lianna
Well, I’ve been a veterinarian for 25 years, and I’ve specialized in hospice end of life palliative care for the last 12 years. And throughout that I have been the director and facilitator for a pet loss support group. For 20 years, I had that role. So I’ve walked the journey, as you said with a lot of people and understand how very significant this losses that’s not always so recognized in society, and not as well supported as other kinds of loss. So that’s why I really wanted to be part of Help Texts and find another different, somewhat more current platform for people that really need the support that aren’t able to get it. So I think it’s a fantastic, innovative and very helpful service, I’m really happy to be a part of it.
Angela
That’s awesome. How long has helped texts been around?
Melissa
So Help Texts has been around since 2018, the founder and CEO Emma pain, her husband died from suicide. And like with many deaths that are disenfranchised, a lot of people don’t know what to say or do and so they say and do nothing. And it can create a very isolating and even more so isolating experience for people who are bereaved. She was asked to do a eulogy for a family friend 10 years later, and people just came up to her and basically apologized and said, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what I didn’t know what to say. So I said nothing. And she just thought like, there’s got to be a better way. And she has a background in the tech industry and especially with mobile interventions. And so she jotted down a business plan around how to really use text message as a way to educate supporters on how to show up and support somebody who’s bereaved after the death of someone significant in their life. And, and then also get support yourself as the griever. And then since then, so are the product first started with grief. And then we’ve now added in pet loss because we kept getting requests for it over and over. It’s just like, I’m not grieving that person, but I am grieving my dog who died or my horse who died and they are my family and I’m really struggling, can this work. And for many, many years, we kept going like yeah, sure, but we knew that the you can plug it in, but it’s really catered towards people. So our team basically decided this year, you know what, let’s go ahead and make the actual product for pet loss too. And so since then, we’ve been … since earlier this year, we’ve been delivering texts for pet loss. And it’s been really awesome to see people getting the proper tailored support that they deserve and want.
Angela
So the very basics of the service is to go onto the website, sign up, enter your credit card information, and choose the kind of grief you’re experiencing. But you also have it segmented for support networks and caretakers and whatnot. Tell us a little bit about how that works.
Melissa
So we essentially have five different products that people can choose and, you know, grieving a loved one. If you’re a caregiver who’s caring for somebody who has a terminal illness, that And then you can sign up for support. There, we have our pet loss, we next week, we’ll be launching a pregnancy loss product. And then we have a health care worker product that really supports health care workers who have been working in infrastructures that really don’t support them well, so then thus they have burnout and fatigue, and so trying to deliver mental health support there. But when people go to sign up, it’s $99. For a year’s worth of subscriptions, people get texts twice a week, ongoing, we acknowledge not only your relationship to your pet, but the type of pet that you lost, we will acknowledge how long you’ve been a pet Guardian, and how your pet died is acknowledged. And you have the option to sign up to supporters. And they can receive tips from us as well. And we’ll acknowledge important holidays and meaningful kind of gotcha days, like when did you get your pet, or even if you know the date of death that your pet died, if you put that in will acknowledge the death anniversary when it comes around. So it’s really just designed to offer this ongoing support. So that way you don’t feel left alone. Because even with traditional grief, we know that people will sort of move on after a couple of weeks or even a couple of months. And sort of expect you to also move forward with your grief without that deep level of support. And as Lianna mentioned, grief, with pet loss is so disenfranchised, that people often don’t extend even the same level of support your way after death, and so can be very isolating.
Angela
Right, and anyone who has endured loss and grief can testify to the idea that we do not get over it in a prescribed amount of time.
Melissa
We do not.
Angela
I was thrilled to be a beta tester for the service. And I, I experienced one text that I thought might throw somebody off if they were in acute grief. And that was about replacing, the idea that getting a new dog is replacing Shep or what have you. But that’s actually a very specific part of the service that you want to address in segmenting your subscribers. Right?
Melissa
Yeah, so as a program, we take into account when, when a pet garden loses their pet. And we know that for certain pet owners, they are going to be lifelong pet owners, they will always tend to, you know, bring pets into their life in some form or fashion, whether that be through, you know, adoption, or just fostering or, you know, even pet sitting, you know, there’s just pet people in this world, which we think is lovely. And I think our message speaks to the idea that getting a new animal doesn’t actually replace, you know, the essence or the love that you feel for your pet that died. But in the event that you do think you want to have a new pet, that decision and the timing of that has to be completely up to you.
When that text gets sent is for people who are further out in their grief process. So we have a tagging system for all of our messages. And so we’re able to really curate when people receive certain messages and their grief process. And so we have an awareness that receiving that message too early in the grief process could be really raw and vulnerable and off-putting for somebody to receive. But for somebody who is a year or two or even three years out after their loss, they may naturally be thinking about owning a new pet or getting another pet and so that message then becomes timely, because then it’s something for them to think about as they kind of continue on with life and living and what that looks like for them.
Lianna
I love the idea that you’re adding to the family instead of replacing someone who died. But I thought that was a really nice way to look at it. And I also like the idea that you can send this you can have a couple of supporters for your loss. And I had mentioned how it would be so great for the supporters to get the message to not say could you get another dog or cat, you know, week after your beloved pet has died. So I thought that was really great as an education for the supporters. Do you know how many people say I just don’t know what to say? And so they shy away from grieving people. And then the grieving people feel even more isolated that alone, that if you just give them a few tools on what they should say and how they can help, like, that’s amazing support for your supporters.
Angela
Yeah, that’s a really good point. Can you speak more to what someone in acute care or acute grief might receive when it comes to their grief texts?
Melissa
Early on, we’re trying to first just put a container around grief and normalize that we recognize that this is a form of disenfranchised grief and normalizing the grief can even the death of a beloved pet can really impact us in very similar ways to human loss, and in some cases, even more intensely, because pets are so integrated into our own routine. So we have messages that really talk about, you know, routine after pet loss and how you might cope with that. One of our texts, which I love, speaks to the idea that you know, your pets actually created your routine for you. And you humbly acquiesce to that routine, right? And so, so when, when your pet dies, you might be left wondering, what do I do now, and your routine can fill just so empty, there’s this emptiness, right, that can come over us. And so our text might gently recommend subtle ways to redirect kind of routine times for you, like for example, still going for a walk that you would naturally do if you were a dog owner, for example, still going on a walk, and but perhaps changing what would be your normal walk chain, changing it slightly, but still maintaining that routine in a way that honors your pet and the time you share it together.
So we have messages around what to do with their items. So the idea that you don’t have to feel pressured to get rid of items so quickly after loss. But if they’re hard to see, you can request that a family member or friend, gently box them up and put them somewhere secure and safe until you’re emotionally ready to go through their items and determine what you want to do with their items. Next, we have suggestions on rituals. So how do you perform any type of ritual after loss? So, you know, unlike human loss, culturally, there’s not really the standard of doing kind of your closing or end of life rituals for pet loss. And so it’s really left up to families to determine what they want to do. You know, do they want to have a little ceremony or, you know, do they want to preserve kind of one of our text talks about taking some of your favorite items and creating a shadowbox in honor of them, you know, like little remnants of their leash or color and pieces of their hair or anything like that, that you might easily create as a keepsake. And memory and honor of your beloved pet.
Lianna
I was just going to say those are kind of just some of the early on things that were really trying to help normalize, I suppose, for people.
Angela
Liana, with your experience in, in working in hospice and palliative care, how did your real world experience influence the way you helped create some of the texts?
Lianna
Oh, that’s such a good point. Well, of course, as a vet, and as a human, I’ve had many pets of my own. So I’ve had my own significant losses over the years, human, animal and other as well. So I think that’s a big part of it. What I’ve come to learn about pet loss, as you mentioned that a lot of people do find it even more significant than the loss of a human companion, which some people might find surprising and other you know, pet people are not surprised by that at all because they feel the same way. So it’s the same in a lot of ways and also different. And the other thing with pet loss is many times that the end of life decision that life or death decision is in the hands of the pet parent, and that is a massive responsibility that often comes shrouded in a lot of guilt. And that’s a little different. A lot of times from human loss and that you’re very often choosing the time that your pet is to die by euthanasia. And so there are so many people that walk into a pet loss support group, I would say over 90% come really burdened with guilt. And I’m trying to help people alleviate some of that pain.
Angela
Yeah, it’s so all-encompassing for some people. I know. It wasn’t until I started working on my own grief that I realized that I didn’t actually murder my best friend.
Lianna
No, it’s a final gift. It’s an act of kindness. And honestly, it can really be a blessing to relieve suffering. And there’s so many people that say they wish they had this option for a person that they loved, that they watch die in agonizing, drawn out, painful death, that they couldn’t relieve that suffering. And they could do that for their pets. So we just tried to shift the thinking a little bit to recognize that you’re giving them the gift of a, you know, a peaceful passing, you know, be that at home or in your arms, you know that there’s some level of control and calm over that situation, that it’s a final act of love. It’s not You’re not giving up on them or giving up hope or killing them. You’re, you’re just helping them to die peacefully, which is what we would want for all our loved ones.
Angela
You bring up, of course, the idea of anticipatory grief as well. Is there an opportunity to segment anticipatory grief into your service because when we are caring for an elder or ill dog, that’s a significant kind of burden too?
Lianna
Itsure, is, yeah, maybe you can speak to that, Melissa.
Melissa
That’s a, that’s a really great question. We, we do have that caregiver loss product. And so it’s definitely feasible for us to add in, carrying for an elder, you know, or, or ill pet. So it’s something that I’ll take back to our product team to see if we can develop out. I know that we obviously have a lot of expert contributors that we can lean on to help craft some of those texts to the subject, that’s it’s a great idea.
Lianna
It really is. Because caring for a terminally ill pet is, can be a very difficult in so many ways, just time energy, investment, money, emotions, all of that, you’re, you’re so wrapped up in that and you just exhaust yourself. And then you do, you are grieving the loss of the pet you used to have who was really active and fun and went out and lived a carefree life, and you’ve lost that part of them. And now you have this burden of care which of course you would do that with all the love in the world. But it’s really hard and again, can be very isolating. That’s where we’re bringing in home hospice and palliative care and trying to help you in the home setting, how to look after your pet and keep them comfortable. You know that in the past that that’s what say, well, there’s nothing more we can do. You know, just take her home and keep her comfortable. And you’ll know when it’s time well, my gosh, who really does, you know, do we really know how to keep them comfortable? Do we really know when it’s time. And all of that is wrapped up in that anticipatory grief because you know, they’re going to die. And you need support, and you need guidance, and you need help. And I love the idea of having that, that grief support on the front end of it too, because it is such a journey and a process that you mentioned.
Angela
Yeah. And you’re always, you always have that question of “when do I” hovering.
Lianna
It’s so hard. It’s so hard, right? It really is. It’s such a massive responsibility. And so many people struggle with that I like I have a whole hour long webinar about how to counsel people who can’t let go, you know, when it’s to the pets detriment you because they just are so emotionally connected to that pet and they’re trying so hard, and they don’t want to take away hope. And they keep buying a big bag of dog food and a big bottle of pills because they don’t want them to die. But they can’t step outside that and see that that in fact, the animal probably is ready to go and just needs you to be ready too because they’re just suffering too much and they’re in unnecessary pain and we can’t manage it anymore. But my gosh, that’s like one of the people say this to me all the time when they call for a home euthanasia service from my team. They’ll say that this is the hardest phone call I’ve ever made in my whole life. Yeah, and there’s your anticipatory grief right there.
Angela
Yep. So Help Texts has been around since 2018 with pet loss grief being introduced just this year? What is the feedback that you’ve received generally about Help Texts. And now specifically in the last year about your pet loss grief.
Melissa
For the most part, a lot of our data showing just this kind of general appreciation for the support, we people mentioned that they feel less alone in their grief that they feel like their grief has been validated. So we just got somebody sent in something that says, Oh, thank you for telling me about brain fog, I thought I was going mad. And so this idea of just like normalizing the grief experience, you know, for people who don’t have the option to get grief counseling, or have access to a grief group, or perhaps maybe they’re just not ready, you know, you have to be somewhat emotionally ready to even enter into a group, right. And for others, groups are just not for them. And so then we start to narrow down the types of support that become available to you. And, you know, we we hear often from our subscribers, like, this is exactly what I need until I’m emotionally ready, or I have, like less anxiety to go into, you know, kind of publics, more public forums for support. And so I would say, for the most part, we hear that it helps them validate and acknowledge their grief experience, that there’s just overall appreciation for the support, and then it makes them feel less alone. Which …
Lianna
I love that.
Melissa
Yeah, like, that’s the best work that you can do, really, you know,
Lianna
Yep, have a companion in your grief and loss. And you know, what I love, the idea is you can buy this as a gift for someone, and you’re giving them a year subscription to these helpful text messages. versus you know, if you want to buy like a really nice bouquet of flowers, like sometimes that’s $100 right there. And that’s gone in a week, it’s you know, so this is something that’s lasting, and shows that you get it, like you understand that this is a very significant loss, and it’s not going to go away in a week. And I just love that that gives people the option of giving someone a really meaningful gift that shows that they understand that this is really hard.
Melissa
Yes. And they can sign themselves up as a supporter to and get ongoing coaching. So it’s like the best gift.
Angela
Would I be correct in assuming your target market is Millennials Gen Z, who are very connected to their mobile devices?
Melissa
Oh, my gosh, I love this question. Because our service is the ultimate mythbuster when it comes to this. When we think text, we do think a younger generation. However, about 14% of our subscribers are over the age of 65. And the primary the average age group is 40 to 64 year olds, who use us so it is our largest demographic. So we’re talking about, you know, people, some of our smallest numbers are in the younger generations, which just goes to just, you know, it shows that, you know, you think about 40 to 60 year olds, they’re most likely working and, and or parenting and you know, have a lot of other responsibilities and barriers that get in their way from being able to really kind of take the time to go and get that support. And so this becomes a really great way to break down barriers that might prevent somebody from getting support, because it just comes to you, the support literally comes to you, which is what I love. I do love it.
Lianna
I think of it as this like warm hug coming through your phone. I mean, it might sound silly, but it when you really feel alone in the world, and that you’re some of your darkest times, sometimes that’s in the middle of the night. And you know, you just can’t reach anybody. And then you have your phone like right there and you’re kind of already looking at it anyway, you know, you’re awake, that you just you just feel like I understand it’s a text message and it’s generated and all that but it doesn’t really matter because it’s there. It’s in front of you. It’s tangible. And somebody wrote that and somebody gets it. So I just kind of love that idea that there’s a helping hand out there and you’re not alone.
Melissa
And people love to refer back to the messages too, right. It’s like, totally for a lot of people it becomes like this really valuable archive of like wisdom that they’re out but three o’clock in the morning and you can’t go back to sleep. They can just go through their texts and …
Lianna
Check out your meditation. You have like a link to a mindfulness. You know all these little tips and tricks for how to manage and cope with your grief because you know what it is actually a lot of work like it … it’s not time heals all wounds. Like, that’s not the thing you actually have to put in the work and the time and the effort. Because not easy and the path is through, right? You’re not getting over it, you’re getting through it.
Angela
Right? Absolutely. Do you take into account those demographics as you’re writing the texts? Certainly there are different ways generations encounter and manage grief.
Melissa
Yes, I mean, well, we take grief styles into consideration. So some people are naturally more willing to talk about their grief experience, others are more willing to do something very physical in their grief process, some kind of need a more creative blend, we, what I usually tell people is that we try to pull from both Western and Eastern based practices in terms of offering support, we try to also do a balance of you doing your individual internal work, but then also doing this grief work in community with others, because that’s where a lot of healing happens, as well, right. And, you know, although grief is this very unique, and individualized experience, coping with grief, however, is very much a communal kind of thing, as much as it is an individual process. And so our messages will take that into consideration. We do have a teen series, written with other people who … organizations that specialize in supporting teens through loss and young adults, as well. And then, yeah, and then we have just adults and older adulthood. And those messages are tagged accordingly, I guess you could say, in terms of tone, there’s a small little shift in tone for teens. Of course, as you can imagine, might use a little bit more emojis. And as a way to connect, but like our resources, for example, Lianna mentioned the link to like, mindfulness meditation. So you know, would a teen do that probably not there or not probably not linking that teen to a mindfulness meditation. However, for an older population, we would be linking it, for example. So we’re really trying to curate resources as well, based off of kind of age group. We’re overly inclusive versus exclusive, if you will. So like the odds of somebody getting a resource, depending on what it is, can be pretty high. But if it’s age specific, we try to make sure that it is age specific.
Lianna
I love what you said about the community, because that’s so what it’s all about the you know, the there’s grief, and then there’s mourning where, you know, grief is often very private. And mourning is how you express that grief more publicly. And grief really does need to be witnessed. And I love what you say how that you have one component of it that can be private, and then another that you that you’re going out in the community and having your grief witnessed because that is so important. So that’s amazing.
Angela
Interesting, too, that you brought up the difference between Eastern and Western? In your experience, Lianna, have you seen a lot of cultural nuances in approaching the grief journey? And how did that reflect into what you contributed to Help Texts?
Lianna
Oh, absolutely. There’s so many different ways to grieve, right? It’s so individual to the person, there’s no real right or wrong way, as long as you’re doing it, you know, and, and not pretending it’s not it doesn’t exist, that I would say in my service, particularly that I often would go into the homes for people and saying goodbye to their pets, and then you learn their, their life and their grief, and everything is so rich with culture and rituals and everything that they do. Like I’ve been part of smudging ceremonies and, and doing chants with people and all kinds of things. I’m just learning as I go, that it differs in so many ways with people and like you said with their age as well, that it’s actually kind of difficult for some of the younger teenage generation to get the help because they’re not they’re not the kind that are going to walk into a support group filled with adults, you know, so I think that they getting support a way that they are used to communicating is amazing. And then you have a whole other demographic of like older older men that are also struggling because they’re taught or they were taught that it’s not strong or manly to show emotion and then where did they go for help? Right so I mean, I have to say I’ve seen it all in, in my years working as a vet, and in helping multiple different people and different family dynamics and age groups and socio economic backgrounds and religion and culture. I mean, it’s fascinating. And it’s so different. And it all comes down to how individualize these text messages can be based on what information you input about yourself, then they can be tailored to what your specific needs would be.
Angela
There is such a diverse, but incredible movement right now — and maybe I’m just noticing it because I’m part of it — to educate people on grief. And now especially pet loss grief, are we making strides do you think? And how much further do we have to go beforeno one ever hears “It’s just a dog” again?
Lianna
That is such a good question. So I started my education in pet loss and bereavement 25 years ago, when I first became a vet, and I was really interested in that the human side of that the human caregiver and, and what their needs in the loss were. And so I can see over 25 years how things have already changed. And to say that there, I have a pet loss support group where people were coming from, they would drive for like four hours to get there, because there was no support in their community. And now, it’s just so much more common in the virtual side of things, right, like we didn’t, when I first started as a vet, the Internet was kind of just starting. So we didn’t have that. And now we’re have all these online support groups. And like, you know, even now Help Texts again, like text message was just starting 25 years ago, now I’m part of an international society that talks about animal hospice and palliative care it when I first began, there was essentially nothing like I had to travel so far to try to get my own education. And now it’s like, at your fingertips, like literally the things that you can learn. I don’t know, if maybe even a pandemic, I mean, there’s some silver linings to that, that people are understanding more the value that their pets play in their life, and when they were sort of tucked in with them and created this much stronger bond and people were starting to understand a lot more about loss and traumatic loss and, and what how you have to recover from the trauma and then the loss, I get just, I somehow feel that people became more understanding of mental health and wellness, and grief and loss and all and all those things that happens. I think that the shift is amazing, I still think we have a long way to go. As you mentioned, I think there will still be always people out there that don’t really get it. And that still think oh, it’s just a cat, you know, what’s the big deal, just get another one, I think you’re kind of always going to have those kinds of people. But there are not going to be the audience that you choose, because they’re not going to be helpful for you.
Angela
We spend a lot of time on this podcast talking about old and dying pets. But there are different other kinds of pet loss that are probably more traumatic than the anticipatory grief stage of letting go of an older or ill pet. And I, you know, I’m thinking hit by a car or …
Lianna
a fire. Ran away, lost …
Angela
Natural disaster, ran away, lost having to surrender.
Lianna
Can’t afford to keep them, oh my god, imagine that … layer that on to your grief that you couldn’t afford their care.
Angela
Are those segments available in Help Texts, or at least in development? Melissa?
Melissa
Yes, yes, yes, it’s part of when there’s a dropdown menu where you can elect how your pet has died, or even though we have lost or missing as an option. And then we also have that wasn’t mentioned here, all of those are available. And then we also have euthanasia due to behavior, which is a big one too. It has so many layers and complex grief to it.
Angela
Yeah, yeah, that’s a big one. I just had a friend do that behavioral euthanasia. And most of my learning is in end of life care. And so I found myself a little lost in in trying to speak to her.
Lianna
That’s a really tough one. And again, unfortunately, we’re seeing a lot more of it. But the pandemic puppies and this they just didn’t get the socialization that they needed because they had to be tucked away. And sadly, we’re just seeing so much more in Even, you know, bless their hearts, people trying to rescue animals from other countries that just were never socialized and didn’t know what it was like to be on the end of the leash in the middle of winter and try to acclimatized to this new life and they just can’t quite get there. You know, these people have huge hearts and their soul trying to do the right thing. And in the end, it just, it just doesn’t work out. And that is so heartbreaking. And then they feel so responsible. And then the guilt, I mean, it’s just so layered on top, it’s already so hard. And then you add in all these other factors. And, sometimes I think that’s how pet loss becomes even more difficult for some people than the loss of their human companion.
Angela
Melissa, can you give us an example of a text that someone might receive, if they signed up for behavioral euthanasia?
Melissa
I can summarize a text. We would have spoken to this idea of responsible, feeling responsible and ending a life prematurely based off of conditions that were out of your control, and the guilt and or shame because those two are slightly different feelings, emotions that people may have to navigate through. And we most likely the tip would be to connect with, you know, find another, or another person who’s also experienced this. So that way, you’re not grieving in isolation, right? Because you can’t tell somebody not to feel this way, after something like that actually doesn’t help anybody to try and remove that sense of responsibility. And the essence of like, the best grief work that we can do is normalize that is okay to feel that way. And we, and it makes sense that you would feel that way. And, you know, what can be most helpful is to have that feeling be heard, without judgment, right? And so like, that’s the key here is, you know, can we put texts that speak to people’s experiences in front of them in a way that normalizes what they’re going through, without judgment without trying to remove or fix that issue, but really just be like, we see we hear you and, you know, certain conditions are out of your control.
Angela
What does the future hold for Help Texts? And is it going to change the world?
Melissa
I have already seen text messages change the world. So we’re a global company right now. I think we’re in 27 countries, and we’re, we’re in every state in the United States.
Lianna
The languages, too!
Melissa
We deliver in 20 different languages right now. And, you know, when you look at the statistics, 80% of the world has access to a phone, but not 80% of the world have access to grief counseling, right. And so it literally becomes the most accessible way to get support. And the majority of people just need a little education and a little support to get through their grief that a lot of people don’t really need comprehensive grief therapy or things like that these higher level needs. So this becomes like a really great option for the majority of people who are grieving. So I do see that it changed, it is already changing the world. It’s just a matter of people learning that it exists, right? Because it is a fairly new support option for people. And it takes people like us kind of putting the information out there so that more people can learn and hear about it.
Lianna
Well put.
Angela
What is one last piece of advice you can each give our listeners?
Lianna
Okay, I’ll start. One thing I learned when I first started my education in pet loss was in 2001, I went to a conference in the U.S. in Manhattan, and it was by the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement. And I learned one sentence, it was from a grief counselor, and he even still works on me to this day, even though I know it’s a technique and that’s just to say to someone, this must be so hard for you. That’s it. It seems so simple, but I think people just want to again, like normalize it, understand it’s significant, know that people care and that they recognize that this is really hard. That’s it.
Angela
Brilliant. Thank you. Melissa?
Melissa
I’m gonna have to go in the same area. it as Leanna and just say that we, we are so accustomed to comparing our losses to other people’s losses. And, and when we do that we often sometimes undermine or under estimate our own loss. And so I always try to go back and this is a David Kessler quote, but this which is, which is your loss is the most important loss. And I think it’s so important for people to remember that your loss is the most important loss to you, and therefore, it is the most important loss.
Angela
I’m so excited. I’m not the one who brought up David Kessler today.
Lianna
I love David Kessler. Yeah, that’s the quote I like is along the lines of the worst grief in the world is your own. Yeah. Because you really can’t compare it. You know, it’s what your experience is.
Angela
I’m a big, I’m a big Kessler fan girl, and we’ve gone through this training and So I’m always bringing him up and, and it was a nice break for you to not do that today.
Lianna
It’s like we’re all the same.
Angela
Ladies, thank you so much for joining us today.
Lianna
Thanks for having us.
Melissa
Yes, yes, thank you. We’re so excited to continue to put good out into the world right and hope that it helps.
Lianna
Spread the word.
Angela
I always say we don’t have to change the world. But if we change the world for one person at a time that matters
Lianna
Absolutely.
Angela
Hi, Michael. Having a physical reminder of your dog to carry with you is called a linking object and it may help you feel more connected to Kai. Some ideas for linking objects can include a bracelet or necklace with Kai’s name or photo, a small toy they liked, or their leash or collar. Linking objects can be as creative as you’d like, for example, you might turn a piece of their collar into a keychain.
Hi, Shelly. Regret and guilt are painful parts of the grief experience. We may feel guilty for the things that we did or regret for the things that we didn’t do but wish we had. If this is true for you, it is important to remember that feeling guilty and being guilty are two different things. Be patient with yourself and continue to find ways to openly express your feelings so that they can move through their natural course.
Hi, Angela. When you experience a sudden surge of grief or a memory of Shep surfaces, consider it an invitation to revisit the bond and life you shared with him. Recall a few memories, look at favorite photos or spend some time in a place that Shep enjoyed. These ongoing acts of love provide meaningful ways to stay connected and commemorate Shep’s life and the joy you shared.
These are examples of the texts you’ll receive if you sign up for support through Help Texts. The last one is one I received as a beta tester for the new pet loss grief segment, and it touched me deeply.
Because as you know if you’ve been hanging around here for a while, I’m a big proponent of the continuing bonds theory, which suggests we maintain an ongoing relationship with our loved ones who are no longer with us through memory, actions and rituals, rather than losing all connection.
Now, I’m nine years out from saying goodbye to Shep and I found a lot of the text messages I received brought a gentle smile to my face and heart. I was able to wrap myself in his love and guardianship.
Oh, I cried, for sure. I still miss him a lot.
But I can smile about him now, through the tears, and the Help Texts I received reminded me of how much we loved each other.
In a society where we are constantly on the move and many of us glued to our mobile devices, Help Texts makes sure support is never out of reach. It curates resources, guidance and personalized support and allows us to receive information about the grief journey, practical tips for self-care, and coping mechanisms to help navigate this emotional and overwhelming process.
The pet loss grief segment on Help Texts is another step in getting the world to acknowledge the deep emotional impact that losing a pet can have.
That our grief matters.
And we are seen and heard.
Next week, I chat with Rev. Jenn Cormier, a grief guide with 20 years of experience in the healing arts and the owner of Walk Through Grief With Grace. She shares her journey through grief and how movement can help us heal.
Until then …
