“Just always get the pictures, don’t hesitate on them.”
That’s a quote from today’s episode, The Art of Holding On, No. 24 of our podcast about this continuous, crazy journey called grief.
Kayla Seifert is a past client with Jessica Wasik at Bark & Gold Photography in Pittsburgh.
Kayla had a beautiful tri-colored beagle named Stanley whom she adopted from Forever Home Beagle Rescue eight years ago when Stanley was about two years old. He was 10 when diagnosed with end-stage kidney failure, prompting Kayla to schedule a Rainbow Session for him.
She had always wanted to get professional photos done of Stanley but money, time and life kept getting in the way.
She was finally ready to schedule a portrait session in 2021 but the dire diagnosis pushed up her timeline.
Stanley had always loved being outside, and their favorite pastime was going for hikes in the woods where Kayla said he’d always come to life.
Stanley, Kayla and Jessica met at a favorite park and, well, Kayla’s description of the day will sit in my heart forever.
Stanley left our physical world in November and Kayla continues to wind her way down this new path, the grief journey.
She explores with Jes that journey and how long and convoluted it can be.
What to listen for
1:00 Stanley, my dog, my baby
7:38 Finding the right location for your photo shoot
10:13 That one unforgettable photo
15:05 Kayla embraces her grief journey
21:30 Do you “get over” such a profound loss?
Angela Schneider
“Just always get the pictures, don’t hesitate on them.”
That’s a quote from today’s episode, The Art of Holding On, No. 24 of our podcast about this continuous, crazy journey called grief.
Welcome back to One Last Network.
Kayla Seifert is a past client with Jessica Wasik at Bark & Gold Photography in Pittsburgh.
Kayla had a beautiful tri-colored beagle named Stanley whom she adopted from Forever Home Beagle Rescue eight years ago when Stanley was about two years old. He was 10 when diagnosed with end-stage kidney failure, prompting Kayla to schedule a Rainbow Session for him.
She had always wanted to get professional photos done of Stanley but money, time and life kept getting in the way.
She was finally ready to schedule a portrait session in 2021 but the dire diagnosis pushed up her timeline.
Stanley had always loved being outside, and their favorite pastime was going for hikes in the woods where Kayla said he’d always come to life.
Stanley, Kayla and Jessica met at a favorite park and, well, Kayla’s description of the day will sit in my heart forever.
Stanley left our physical world in November and Kayla continues to wind her way down this new path, the grief journey.
She explores with Jes that journey and how long and convoluted it can be.
Have a listen.
Jessica Wasik
I had the joy of meeting Stanley. But for anyone who didn’t know him, Tell me all about him and what he was like, as a dog.
Kayla Seifert
Yeah, it was hard to not fall in love with Stanley. I know I’m biased. I know that he was my dog and my baby. But really from everybody that he met, everybody loves Stanley, he was an old soul. So his name was really suited for him. I adopted him. Actually, when I adopted him, I thought that he was about two to three years old. Now, through the process of when he was sick. And seeing the vet and consulting with people, I actually realized he was much older than I thought. He was about five years old when I adopted him and around 13 or 14 when he passed, so he was already middle age, I suppose whenever I adopted him, but he was just, he was sweetest could be he was such the calmest boy, he really was. He was a very people-y dog. He loves attention from people. To an extent, though, he was still very beagle-y, in that he was, he could be aloof, and he wasn’t a people pleaser. He loved getting attention from people and would greet people and was very calm. He wasn’t, he didn’t jump, he didn’t even bark. So he was just a very easygoing dog. But also, Stanley did what Stanley wanted. So if there was something more interesting to do, he would go do that rather than do what I might be telling him to do. Especially if we were greeting somebody in the park or something like that. And somebody was excited to meet him. He was, oftentimes he would give you about 10 seconds, and then he was too busy, he needed to go off and sniff all the smells that were out there. So very beagle-y in that way, but it was hard not to fall in love with Stanley, he was just such a good boy.
Jessica
And I can attest to all of that just in those first few minutes of meeting him. He had that little interest and then just wanted to do Stanley things, which was completely fine. When you first reached out, you told me one of the items on your bucket list was to have these professional photos done, but that this diagnosis really moved that timeline forward. Tell me more about that urgency that you felt.
Kayla
Yeah, so I am I am now 31. I was 31. Stanley passed away. And I adopted him about six months after I graduated college. So I had had sailing basically all of my adult life. And with that comes, you know, I was a student coming out of college and going through life in my 20s. And I was just figuring everything out. So, I was just, you know, didn’t have a lot of money. So I always wanted to get professional pictures of Stanley but I didn’t have the funds or I didn’t have the time or you know, it was just pushed off whatever it may be. It was just one of those things I hadn’t gotten around to yet. Going into 2022, it was one of my goals for the year, I knew that this was the year that I was going to get professional pictures of Stanley, I had always dreamed of doing those in the fall, because of course fall is a very picturesque time. And he’s a beagle and he looks very nice with the fall colors. So I thought that that would be good timing. However, our timeline was pushed up a bit. And as you said there was urgency because he was, you know, towards the end of 2021. He was diagnosed with kidney disease, kidney failure. And I didn’t quite realize how serious of a diagnosis that was at the time and what exactly that meant for his timeline of life unfortunately. So it came to the point where it was August and I’ve been working with my vet and getting regular rounds of bloodwork. And it got to the point where surprisingly and unfortunately we found out that he went pretty quickly from Stage 2 kidney disease to Stage 4, which is the life end stages of kidney disease so we had a prognosis of three months before he passed away, which was a pretty big shock for me and pretty upsetting. Pretty immediately reached out to people on Facebook and people I knew asking if they knew of a pet photographer because of course I only had three months now and and even so, I didn’t want to wait three months of course because I didn’t want to wait until he was very very sick I wanted to do them and while he was still happy and fairly healthy which at that time he was. He still … we, you know, we were having some struggles with him eating and things like that but he still loved his walks loved being outside still was in a very good mood and positive spirits. So you know, I was really really shocking, shockingly surprised and happy at how easy it was to to get the rainbow session with you. I’d never heard of such a thing before. Looking at your website, I just was looking for a pet photographer didn’t realize that there were such thing as end of life special photography sessions where you could get them you know, you could get placed rather fast in a time slot, I think we were able to get ours done within like a week and a half, from what I signed up. So so that was really such a relief, except that you well know that there was there was a moment there where I didn’t think we were going to even make it to that week and a half, which was pretty scary. So we went from getting a three-month diagnosis for Stanley that he would pass away from his kidney disease to it was three days after that, and he just was falling really ill. He wasn’t eating at all. He was super lethargic. And he’s already a lethargic dog to begin with. But he could he was sleeping the entire day could hardly stay conscious and wasn’t interested in going outside and nothing. I … I really … I didn’t, I didn’t know what to think it just it just seemed like that was it. And I emailed you and warned you, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know if if we’re going to make it. And I was, I was, honestly I was so upset because I knew he was going to pass away. And I accepted that as much as he could. But anybody who was around me knew that the one thing I was like, I just want him to make it to these pictures. Like it was so important to me because I had not gotten professional pictures of him before. So I was really worried and really upset. But as it turned out, he ended up going through that and perking back up, it actually ended up that he had a really bad side … side effects to the anti nausea medication that he was given to try to help with his symptoms of kidney disease. So once he, you know, wasn’t getting that medication anymore. He perked right back up. And then a few days later, by the time we got back to his pictures, he was … he was fine. He was having a good day, he had all of his energy back again. So it was, it was a roller coaster of emotions, a lot of ups and downs. But I’m just so glad that that we’re all worked out, you were so flexible. And I mean, we were able to get our pictures done so fast, which was such a relief and, and it wasn’t fall. It wasn’t what I pictured in my head. But it was August, I believe, or September or something like that. And, and we got some really beautiful pictures. It was a beautiful day with wildflowers in the background. So they were I’m very happy with with what we were able to get.
Jessica
I remember all of that, and just hoping that he would be able to feel well enough and still be here to do this. And also that location played an important part in this session with not only his declining health, but what you said was his lack of enthusiasm for his car rides and needing to stay closer to home. Wanting a place he was familiar with we went to Boyce Park, what did that location mean to the two of you?
Kayla
Yeah, so initially, it actually was a little bit difficult for me to choose a location because, you know, I had Stanley for eight years, I was lucky enough that I had him that long. Of course, I wish that it was longer, but I hadn’t for eight years. And him and I moved six times in those eight years all around the Pittsburgh region. But with that, and our love of hiking and checking out new places, there was never one very consistent place that we always went to we were always exploring new places. We lived in different places around the city. So we were going to different local parks. But at the end of the day, Boyce Park was one that we did go to a lot. And it was you know, as you said, Staley was never a big fan of car rides. But especially with him being sick and being nauseous, I didn’t want to take him on a super long car ride, I didn’t want it to be … I didn’t want it to be something that was stressful for him or that he wouldn’t be in a good mood for. So I wanted something that was close by so being that Boyce Park was close to us. And we do have a lot of history of Boyce Park and a lot of good times there. It seemed like the proper place. And of course you were amenable to coming out that way because it’s not exactly on your side of the city. So it was a bit of a hike for you. But I just feel like it worked out so well. When we first got there it was drizzling rain. So I think there was a moment that we were like, oh, is the weather going to work out for us, but it stops once we got there. And as I said it ended up being a beautiful day, there were wildflowers in the backgrounds. You were able to get pictures with the trees behind him which was so fitting because our main hobby together was going hiking in the woods and he that’s where he came alive was when he was out in the woods and out in nature. So it just looks like where, where he belongs. And you also got some action shots of him sniffing around and doing his thing, which was really nice. And it just, it just looks like his location where he would always be doing his thing.
Jessica
To look back on these images and have them feel much more personal to you, I think that adds to the whole experience as well. One of the images I remember you specifically asking about was a silhouette of the two of you, and that became one of my very favorites that we created. Watching you two interact so naturally and intimately with tenderness and love. It’s exactly what I hope to bring to these sessions. Tell me more about why a silhouette. And now looking back, what does that specific portrait mean to you?
Kayla
Yeah, I think that once you see what a silhouette picture is, it’s hard to argue why you wouldn’t want to try to get a silhouette picture. So I saw them on your website, I didn’t exactly know how you did those, or what it entailed what kind of location that you needed to, but it just felt like a very, it felt like it could be a very emotional, heartfelt picture of just, you know, your image kind of in the shadow, just the silhouette of you and your dog with a beautiful background behind you, whether it be on a hillside or what it is. So of course, I was drawn to that. And you did a good job. I mean, you I know you didn’t know this location when you went to it. So it’s not as if you knew what you were getting into, or what spot would be best to take whatever photo, but I think that you got there before me and kind of scouted out where a good spot for … for that would be. So that was really great of you to do. But yeah, we found a great spot that was on a hillside. And you know, it was just like Stanley and I doing our thing that we would do at home where I can just scratch sitting in front of them and holding his face and scrunching up his face and giving him kisses. So it was a very natural moment it was, as if you, you just caught a very natural moment for us. And yet, it’s this beautiful photo of just our silhouetted images and this beautiful sky behind us that is just, it’s beautiful. Just the blues and the purples and the green grass, the … the colors of it are magnificent. And it’s especially meaningful for me now because what I ended up getting from you for my pictures was one of the Memento boxes where you have a picture on the top of the box and you open it and the rest of your images are inside because I wasn’t sure if I’d be ready to have framed photos of him right after he passed. So I thought something like that where you can kind of keep keepsakes in it and look back at it. But it’s not, you know, right in front of you everywhere you walk in the house, I thought that that would be best. But the silhouette image is the one that I chose is the top cover photo for … for this box. So anytime I look at it and open it, it’s right there. It’s the first thing you see. And it’s … it’s just so fitting. And it’s one of those images that I will always have. And I will definitely frame in my house one day, whenever I am ready. But it’s just … it’s a priceless photo. I love it so much.
Jessica
And I think that’s a reason why those folio boxes are so appealing, because we’re not often ready to have a big photo on the wall of our pet that maybe at that time wasn’t looking or feeling as you want to remember them. But to have something that’s a little more intimate and a little more private, feels more appropriate.
Kayla
Yes, absolutely.
Jessica
Are you displaying those anywhere? Now? Where is your folio box?
Kayla
So right now, I know, I had explained to you a little bit ago where we live in a very small space right now. So I don’t have a lot of space where I’m able to display a lot of his mementoes. So I have a lot of them. I do have them on a shelf right now next to his urn with his ashes. So that is where they’re residing right now, which is you know, it’s out there in the open that I can see them all the time. But it’s not a big picture that is hitting me in the face. And I don’t have to worry about getting emotional quite yet that way. But certainly I have big plans, we are looking to buy a house that would be much bigger space in the future. And I definitely foresee me having a special place with all of his mementos, because I have the photos, I have his urn and I have so many other things too, I still have his collar with his tags on those that I will always keep and I have so many gifts that people have given me. I have pictures of his face painted on him and, and so many things that they they need to have a special spot all in … all in one place. So that’s definitely going to be in the works. And I think that it’ll be a little bit easier for me once I’m not in more of the immediate stages of grieving to be able to do that because it is still an emotional time for me. But it’s … it’s a process that I’ll be moving forward with, having more and more space everywhere around me for sure. Because I could never get enough of that face.
Jessica
I can understand why. He just you looked at him and he just like melted your heart and just like climbed in your soul and sat there. His session to me still to this day is so special because I know how much it meant to you as well and to be able to have that I can’t even describe it. Having just lost him this past November, you’ve mentioned that you’re definitely still grieving and that it’s been what you’ve called a long and convoluted process, what does that look like for you at this point in your grief journey?
Kayla
Yeah, it’s been a complicated grief journey, I think there was to start with so much anticipat … anticipatory grief, I think that was honestly worse. Because he was sick for so long, it was a slow burn. He initially got his diagnosis in November of 2021. And as I had mentioned, I really didn’t realize what that entailed. It was a complicated process of finding good treatment for him. And I just, I don’t think that the vets quite conveyed to me what that meant, and what the timeline for that is, I didn’t even know that it was a death prognosis, which kidney disease it pretty much is, that you can’t cure it. So it was many, many months of trying to do everything that I could, knowing that at the end of the day, it was inevitable. So those last three months, especially were very hard, because I knew exactly around when he was going to pass away, which he did, he passed away one week before the three month mark. So it was pretty much right on the nose. And those three months were hard, not only, you know, knowing that I was going to lose him, but also, you know, just the high maintenance of taking care of him. So I was taking him to the vet three times a week. At that point, I’m trying to get do everything I could everyday to get him to eat enough because that was a struggle. So I mean, I was going through the drive-thru multiple times a week to get him anything that he would eat. And then also just life, I mean, unfortunately, we were moving into a new space in the, in that time span. So it was, it was a lot of stressful things. And knowing that I was going to be losing this very, very important creature in my life was just, I couldn’t truly believe it until it actually happens. And once it happens, it was devastating. He was my first dog, he was my little furry soulmate. I’m still processing through it. I was fortunate in that I haven’t had to deal with grief truly in a long time. But that meant that I was really inexperienced with it. So I’ve been learning a lot. And, you know, I know that it is a dog. But I think everybody listening to this will understand how big of a loss this is. And truly, I don’t think that there are many more losses in my life that would be much worse than this one. Not that there weren’t, of course, there’s very important important people in my life, that would be just as devastating. But this one was right up there. My baby who has been with me through so much. So it’s been a lot of learning. I’ve had a lot of supportive people, I’ve had I this podcast seem to be starting up just as I was going through that process of losing him. So this has been a really good resource for me to go to. And then also there was a complication too, Jess, that I mentioned to you that, you know, Stanley passed away and it was terrible, but a little bit of a relief too of course. You know, finally all at least it was done. I didn’t want it to be done. But that stress of knowing he was going to go and all the running around and taking care of him at least it was done and it was at peace but we had … in anticipation of Stanley going and not wanting to have an empty house we adopted two kittens that were brothers in September. So just you know they keeping us on our toes and wanting to make sure that we didn’t have an empty quiet house and that we would have a bit of a distraction and still have some little furry creatures in the house. But it was exactly two weeks after he passed away that we took one of our kittens to the same vet and he got diagnosed with a deadly virus. We didn’t expect it at all, we didn’t we knew he was sick. I thought he maybe had worms or something. And he ended up getting another deathly diagnosis. Fortunately this one was treatable, though. You know dealing with it all over again it was a little bit traumatic of here we go again, I have another animal who is losing weight, who is really lethargic, who might be on death’s door and he really was … he was weeks away from dying a five month old kitten. You know, you … you don’t expect that whenever you adopt baby animals you adults baby animals hope in the hopes that you don’t have to deal with another death anytime soon. So it was really devastating to think that I’m going to go through this all over again and I’m … I’m hardly processing what just happened with my other animal but fortunately in this case, this one we’ve, you know, we’re still in the process of treatment but he is doing so much better and we’ve been able to cure him almost to the point where he is officially cured so that’s really exciting and and it’s, it’s really special because now that we have been treating him and he’s been getting better he has so many qualities that Stanley has, that little kitten. I see so much of him. I can’t help but think that Stanley is here helping him or in meshed in his soul. Somehow, I think there’s just some kind of special connection there. They didn’t know they lived with each other. They didn’t know each other too well at that point. But it is something special. I feel like Stanley has been helping us and with us in some way in that process. So there’s been a brighter light at the end of this dark tunnel. And I’m really grateful for it.
Jessica
That’s really cool to hear you say that. I’ve heard a lot that having other pets in the house can sometimes ease that loss of routine and that emptiness and the silence that comes after losing somebody that you’ve had in your home and hearing the toenails. And like we just discussed before we jumped on, taking them outside, even it’s such a part of our day to day life that when it’s not there, you don’t realize how much of a part in your life that played.
Kayla
Absolutely. And it’s a different kind of animal, but even just the distraction because you know, kittens, they’re getting into trouble. They’re a lot more maintenance than Stanley ever was, as far as they’re playing. And they’re, you know, they’re so rambunctious and getting into things, there’s so much more bad than Stanley ever was. I’ll say that. So it’s been fun. It’s been a good distraction. And it has allowed me to not wallow too much in in my grief too much.
Jessica
What has been the most challenging part of not having Stanley in your world?
Kayla
So much, so much. Stanley was with me through so many ups and downs. You know, your 20s I think are always a challenging time for most people. And he got me through so much. He was the one constant who was by my side through absolutely everything. So it was a bit like losing my support system with having him gone. It felt like, for the first time that I was on my own, he really was, I mean, he was my baby. I was the one who took care of him, of course, but he was always there for me. So there’s definitely been a huge void, not having him here. And I’m still processing that in getting used to that. And it’s difficult. You know, one thing I’ve learned is that I don’t, I don’t think that you ever get over a loss like this. I think it gets, it gets a little bit easier in time it has for me, I still have a long way to go. It’s been two and a half months that since I last sailing, it feels like it’s been two years. But I think I’m learning and getting better. And we’re getting there. I’ve had to work through some feelings of guilt as well, which I know are not … they’re not rational. I know I don’t truly have things to feel guilty over. But they’re I think that’s just always one of those things that comes up feeling that there’s things that you could have done better, things that you could have caught earlier, all the what ifs, but at the end of the day, I do believe I did everything that I could for him. And I know undoubtedly he had the most amazing life, not just because of me. But you know, I had parents that were his grandparents that took him multiple times a week to have the he was their grandchild. So Stanley was never by himself bored. He was always with somebody doing something fun. And he really, he really got to have a good life. So I feel really happy for that, that I got to give that to him.
Jessica
I know for many people, the thought of booking a rainbow session comes with a hesitation, they think it’s going to be incredibly sad, or they don’t think they’re gonna get through it without crying. For anyone considering hiring a pet photographer for this type of session, what would you tell them?
Kayla
Oh, absolutely to just do it. I know that right now. And for me, I felt it too. It’s a time that feels very overwhelming and very sad. And it can be hard to to know how you’re going to feel in the future. I completely understand that feeling and that it feels like it’ll be a really a really sad time going out and taking pictures knowing that it’s a rainbow session knowing that your pet is going to pass away at some point soon. However, for me, I’ve one of the main things that I’ve done in my grief was Stanley is just going back and looking at all of his pictures that I’ve ever taken. But certainly those ones as well having professional pictures to look back on to be able to display in your house whenever you are you ready to do that is priceless. I would say for me that looking back and moving forward in my life. I will definitely get pictures of my animals when they are younger as well just to, you know, have them in the prime of their life whenever they’re younger. But those pictures of Stanley, they’re beautiful. They look like him because we were able to get him in so fast and he doesn’t look too sick. And it really was a happy day. You know, I think all of us were in good moods and had Be a good time and certainly Stanley. If there was one thing I learned from Stanley, he was going through a stage in his life where it was the end of his life and he never knew it. He always lived in the moments. He never knew he was sick until he was truly sick. And it was about at that time, so when we went to that session, it was just another day for him. He was just happy to be at the park. I think he was actually a little bit annoyed because he was like, why do we have to stop here and take these photos I want to go over here, I have things to do. So it was just a normal day for him where he got to go to the park and have a good time and sniff his sniffs and just be as happy self just being a dog. So taking his example taking your dogs example because I’m sure everybody else’s dog would be the same way is the best thing you can do is just living in the moment because they’re alive right now and just enjoying the day.
Jessica
As we wrap this interview, any final words that you want to leave our listeners with?
Kayla
Just always get the pictures, don’t hesitate on them. Certainly like I said, I wish I would have gotten pictures of Stanley when he was younger. But I’m so happy that I got the ones that I did and Jesse had been just so amazing to work with. I’m so grateful that I was able to find you. Everybody that I asked for recommendations on for a pet photographer recommended you. So if you’re in the Pittsburgh area, I definitely recommend going to Jes for your pet photography. But otherwise, I’m just so happy to have what I have with the photos and that I’ve gotten to know this One Last Network and the podcast as well to help me through my grief journey. I’m just immensely grateful for it all.
Jessica
That means not only a lot to me, but I know to our podcast team as well. Thank you so much for sharing not only your experience as a past client, but your day to day grief moving forward without Stanley. We know it has no timeline and it’s messy and it’s confusing, but just know how much I appreciate you joining me and opening up about everything you’ve been going through.
Kayla
Thank you so much, Jes, I really appreciate you having me.
Angela
“I don’t think you ever get over a loss like this,” Kayla said.
She’s so very right.
We don’t just get over the profound loss of losing someone so important to us, like Stanley.
What we can learn to do is merge the grief into our lives, and make choices every day about how to honor the lives our Stanleys lived, the lives we shared together.
For many, the pain of loss lessens over time. It can be softened by understanding and celebrating the love and the connection Kayla and Stanley found with each other.
I want to thank Kayla for sharing her story and for saying such kind words about our podcast. We may not change the world today but every time we help one person like Kayla ease her pain — even just a tiny bit — this is all worth it.
And remember, it is OK to love your dog that damn much.
Next week, we go on adventure with my friend Britt Kascjak, a prolific dog blogger who will give us tips and tricks for hiking, camping and exploring with senior dogs … and cats.
Yeah, I said cats.
She hikes with her cats.
Until then …
