Gayle King once introduced Carol Bryant as “a dog lover of the highest order.”
Carol, whom I met in 2020 just weeks before the whole world shut down with the COVID-19 pandemic, has been on King’s Oprah Radio to talk about the love of dogs.
Carol is so much into the dog business that she had her catchphrase “my heart beats dog” trademarked and tattooed on her left bicep.
She is the immediate past president of the Dog Writers Association of America, a member of the American Spaniel Club, founder of the Club Cocker Facebook group, and founder of Wigglebutt Warriors, a fundraising group that has raised over $80,000 to date for homeless Cockers and other dogs.
She’s also the co-author of Pet Blogging for Love & Money and author of the DogMinder, a canine health and wellness journal.
That’s not all. Carol is a very very busy woman.
In November last year, Carol’s beloved boy, a Cocker Spaniel named Dexter, was diagnosed with and then very suddenly died from hermangiosarcoma.
Hermangiosarcoma is a highly malignant cancer that commonly attacks a dog’s spleen, liver, heart and skin. Hermangiosarcoma’s cause, according to NC State Veterinary Hospital, is in most cases unknown. There are options for surgery and chemotherapy but the Flint Animal Cancer Center at Colorado State University says despite treatment, the long-term prognosis for dogs with hermangiosarcoma is generally poor.
Carol very publicly shared her pain on her Facebook profile.
Every post, every word she wrote on Facebook tore my heart apart. I could feel her panic and agony as Dexter was diagnosed and dying of hermangiosarcoma.
What she didn’t realize at the time was how she helping other dog lovers recognize the signs of hermangiosarcoma and get their dogs to treatment. She was also able to bring comfort and learning to thousands by being very public about the trauma she experienced in losing her Dexter.
Join me and Carol as we look back on those days and discuss why she felt she needed to be so public with her pain and how the stories she and others have told about her beloved Dexter have brought her comfort in the days following his death.
Listen for:
- Why the Cocker Spaniel is Carol’s special breed
- The sudden onset of the news that Dexter had hermangiosarcoma
- The lessons she learned from Dexter
- How Carol is learning to live with her grief, carrying her “grief suitcase” with her wherever she goes
- What not to say to a grieving dog owner
Find Carol:
Angela Schneider
Hey, welcome back to One Last Network.
We sure hope you’re enjoying these podcasts. If you’re feeling froggy, please hop on over to your favorite app and leave us a review. Or send me feedback at angela@onelastnetwork.com.
I’ve spoken to a few people recently who have said our podcast is helping them understand their grief … and feel a little more comfort in their anticipatory grief or in the days after losing their dogs or pets.
Today, I’m speaking with my friend Carol Bryant whom I met in 2020 just weeks before the whole world shut down with the COVID-19 pandemic. She was then the president of the Dog Writers Association of America and since I was a finalist in four categories, she invited me to the awards ceremony in New York City and to photograph the event for the DWAA.
Side note: That weekend made me remember that I only want to create epic portraits of dogs in Mother Nature’s glory … event photography is not for me.
Ha.
Back to Carol. She has brought comfort and learning to thousands by being very public about the trauma she experienced in losing her Cocker Spaniel, Dexter, this time last year.
Every post, every word she wrote on Facebook tore my heart apart. I could feel her panic and agony as Dexter was diagnosed and dying of hermangiosarcoma.
Hermangiosarcoma is a highly malignant cancer that commonly attacks a dog’s spleen, liver, heart and skin. Hermangiosarcoma’s cause, according to NC State Veterinary Hospital, is in most cases unknown. There are options for surgery and chemotherapy but the Flint Animal Cancer Center at Colorado State University says despite treatment, the long-term prognosis for dogs with hermangiosarcoma is generally poor.
Join me and Carol as we look back on those days and discuss why she felt she needed to be so public with her pain and how the stories she and others have told about her beloved Dexter have brought her comfort in the days following his death.
Good morning, Carol. How are you today?
Carol Bryant
I’m good. How are you, Angela?
Angela
I am having a really good day. I’m working on training some pet photographers on how to be better service providers in helping their clients who are in anticipatory grief. And it’s been quite a journey that I’ve been on. How about you?
Carol
Any day with a dog in it is a good day for me. And so I’m in the midst of raising a seven and a half month old puppy. He is just a little pistol. And that’s … it’s been an interesting and fun and tiresome seven and a half months. Well, five months since I’ve had them. But yeah, it’s been a lot of fun having a puppy.
Angela
Puppies are little devils.
Carol
Devils with fur, yes.
Angela
Tell me, tell us a little bit about Fidose of Reality and how long you’ve been running that website and what it’s all about?
Carol
Yes, so I was writing for a fledgling dog magazine back in the mid-2000s. And I just thought, you know, there’s so much not being talked about on the internet. I would go in the early internet days, being OG to all of this, and search for a topic and I couldn’t find an answer for something about my dog. So I thought, well, then I have to write it, why not? And blogging, which was kind of becoming a thing. And so I thought, why not? And I wanted it to be very real and true. I didn’t want you know, rumors and what somebody said … I’m going to really interview vets and experts and do … put the legwork in and travel and meet people.
And Fidose of Reality was born. It started for all dogs and it still is. But the content is primarily geared at Cocker Spaniels and their canine friends. And so anything that really helps a Cocker could help others but the breed has their own … has their very own special unique set of needs and problems like all breeds. And so that was back in I want to say around 2009, 2010. So being that I’m 21 now, haha, don’t I wish, … I’ve been doing or will probably like close to, I guess 13-ish years.
And I also blog for others and have written for others as well. But it’s my labor of love and my passion project. And it’s grown into something I never could have imagined.
Angela
I completely understand being attached to one breed in a way that you cannot … that a lot of people cannot comprehend. What is it about Cocker Spaniels for you?
Carol
I love their … I love that they’re a medium-sized dog with all of it. Like they’ve got the smarts and the personality and the love and they just want to come … they want to worship you and cuddle you. But they also want their space and they’re smart but smart enough to make you laugh. I love that, I love the look. I love that guys love them because they want to hang with them and the girls want to fluff them and play with them.
And you know, it’s kind of like the all-around, all around great breed but it’s not your beginner’s breed. It’s the most high-maintenance, one of the most high-maintenance breeds on the planet. So of course I would fall in love with that. And I’ve loved them since, like, 6 years old when I got a book out at the library about dogs, you know. Yeah, and what’s your breed?
Angela
My breed is the Maremma sheepdog.
Carol
So you know …
Angela
In Italian it’s the cane de pastore Maremmano Abruzzese.
Carol
God bless you. Gesundheit!
Angela
With a side of spaghetti.
Carol
Yeah, so you get I love all dogs but there’s something about the Cocker Spaniel that just makes my heart go pitter-patter. I’ll … I’ve been known to get out of the car while we’re driving and ask people if I can pet their dog on the sidewalk. It’s a Cocker Spaniel.
Angela
I’ve done that.
Carol
Yes, I’m proud.
Angela
Maremmas are pretty rare, but at the same time, if I see one, I’ll be like, Oh, I gotta touch that dog … full well knowing that that’s not the right thing to do, especially with livestock guardian dogs
So earlier this year, you lost your Dexter, would you call him your heart dog or your soul dog? Or?
Carol
Yeah, I lost Dexter in November of 2021. It feels like yesterday. And I feel like he was a wise sage that was sent down from the heavens to make a huge impact on my life. All dogs are my heart dogs, I always get sad when I hear somebody was … that somebody’s heart dog and I feel bad for the next one. Or this is, it’s just me, but he was … I don’t know his bigger than life presence, that I’d had dogs before and I have dogs now. There was just very something very otherworldly about him. And I always knew the pain would be terrible leaving him, you think you’re gonna outlive your dogs, and hopefully we all do but to lose them so suddenly, without warning, like a lightning bolt, destroyed me.
Angela
I watched that happen. And the sudden onset of the news must’ve been extremely traumatic for you. How are you dealing with that now?
Carol
I’m a lot better since Dexter died from hemangiosarcoma that was diagnosed suddenly, a big mass and his liver had burst. He wouldn’t have made it even if we tried surgery here. I mean, it just was not a good situation at all. And it’s such an insidious evil, all cancer is bad. It’s such an evil, insidious one, you don’t know what’s coming until they have signs it’s too late. And I think it’s just the idea that, you know, we know it’s the deal we make when we get a dog is that they’re not going to … you get them for a decade or more hopefully, depending on the breed. And I just wasn’t, that wasn’t the date, I wasn’t ready, I thought it was going to be I did everything for him.
And I took care of him and all that, you know, all the good things, and you’re a good dog mom. And when the rug gets pulled out from you like that, I literally went into a state of shock and I withdrew from everything. That’s the, that’s the truth. I just put everything on hold, including my own mental well-being and I just retreated into my bed and my home. And it was the holidays. And it just compounded it. And actually, what brought me out of it was trying to help, thinking I have to do … that’s how he died, Angela. But it wasn’t how he lived. And I didn’t want his entire life to be about that day and how he died.
Angela
Bingo, because you have told his story. And there are so many ways, so many people that were attached to Dexter’s story. And knowing that you’ve put all of that out there, you were also very public with his diagnosis and how you were managing that and what a shock it was. How did you just keep going through that whole process and sharing it with the world? Or is that just a natural part of your personality?
Carol
Yeah, the latter. Since I’m a little kid I turned to my diary and books and the library and writing is always been just my go-to. Before the internet, I was a diary girl. And so that was just something I did for me. I had to put it in words when I can’t say it out loud. I needed to do something so I just thought there’s got to be somebody else out there that doesn’t know about this cancer or whose dog is dealing with it.
I wanted to help someone, I just … that’s just in me, I have this innate need to help. And so how do you, what better way to reach people than through the internet? And I just went there for myself. I didn’t know what else to do when you’re sitting in an emergency room three hours from home and you’ve no idea what’s happening to your dog, I just started on social media and I needed a support, I needed my people, all the people that I’ve helped for over 15 years.
I just needed somebody to be there for me for a change. And I’m not one to take, I’m not a taker, but I needed it more than anything at that time. I didn’t even know what was going on. And so my people came through for me … God love them … came through for me. I can’t even explain it how grateful I am.
So yeah, it’s a natural part of who I am to write about it and try to help other people understand.
Angela
Shep’s death was very sudden for me. If I look back now I should have seen signs but that’s wallowing myself in the guilt phase of grief, of course.
Carol
Absolutely.
Angela
But I posted about having to put him down on my Facebook page eight years ago. And you know what followed was … I had a smaller community on Facebook. But what followed was 150 or so comments of, of people who told their own story about having met Shep, or known him through social media or, you know, family and friends reaching out with comfort. And I know that happened to you as well, you probably got like four or 5,000 comments.
Carol
What happened that was unique was my dog traveled with us, we’re a pet-friendly family. And so working in the pet industry and different conferences and events and trade shows and expos, he just went along. He was, he was a social dog. And so and you met him. So he liked it, and what was beautiful, so beautiful when he passed, over the ensuing months, people shared stories, images and video with him, about him, that I didn’t even know existed. You know, like, they’d snap photos at a conference, or “Hey, he did this and I found video on my phone” or … I can’t even, it was like a gift from the heavens. It was like, just a gift from that is just, I felt like whole somebody does care about me.
For all that I gave, it was good to have somebody that’s … that did more for me than I can even tell you. That kind of was what started bringing me out of that horrendous first phase of grief.
Angela
So you felt the interconnectedness of the dog world. I mean, it happens in the normal world too where all stories are connected. But the dog, the dog and pet community seems to be so interconnected in that way where, you know, Shep had his own Twitter account for a while … back when Twitter was cool. And, and I met people because of that Twitter account, I have friends to this day, because I posted pictures of Shep on Twitter and in other places.
So those moments brought me comfort as well. And especially when people sent pictures of me and Shep together that I didn’t know about. And so now their stories have become a part of my story. And did it bring you to a new level of understanding of the pet community?
Carol
It did. It … there were all these things happening and an impact that he had made and words I had written and people we had talked to even if it was in passing, because you know how busy conferences get, and just these things that they told me and stories about him that I feel like, I feel like in that moment, I felt like we all died but you don’t unlive. Like you just don’t unlive and I felt like his legacy is every … He’ll never be gone because he’s impacted so many beyond me that … don’t we all want the same in our lives? And I miss his physical presence more than I can tell you, but it’s the chance you take when you fall in love with a pet. You know, and you know the ending, you know how the story ends, I just thought it was going to be a little longer.
Angela
Yeah. And I firmly believe that they change us and that they can be our greatest teachers if we let them. What did Dexter teach you?
Carol
To live more freely in the moment, to not put things off and do them then. I have no regrets. I mean, all the things I wanted to do with him I did. I didn’t wait for vacations. We didn’t wait for those moments, those snapshots, those day trips, take a couple hours off of work, I have zero all the different things. I actually wrote an obituary for him. He taught me … taught me to laugh about myself. I’ve had dogs before and dogs since and they all bring something, he just brought this other worldliness. And I feel like he taught me to be the person I am today. Like … he … really everything I do, he’s a part of it. Because of his presence, and honestly so many people I know I would never have met if not for him.
And so in that sense … like that, that whole circle of life thing is real. I just that … I worry like that whole anticipatory grief … like, I am a little bit nervous now even having a puppy, like you want him to live a long life. So you start to just torture yourself. It’s that, it’s … I think it’s the sixth stage of grief, when you go into another pet, you start to torture yourself with being a little bit over the top and helicopter momming and that kind of thing. So he’s taught me a lot but I don’t want his death or his life to be in vain.
Angela
Did he make you a better writer?
Carol
Yes, yes. Oh my god. Yes. I was always writing, I was in the medical space. I was always writing in the medical space and having him … I just … such an influence he was in my life. I switched, I was like not, dogs are where it’s at, for me, um, and there were signs along the way. I think life, you know, you got to do what you got to do to pay the bills and medical writing paid better and that kind of thing. But you get to an age where you’re like, I can’t do this forever, I need to do something that I love and you know, you have to do what’s right for you. And for you, it’s behind the lens. And for me, it’s, you know, with the pen, the keyboard. So, yeah, he made me an absolute, a better writer and a more insightful, thoughtful writer. He got me on a better path. He put me on a path I was meant to be on.
You know, I feel like we’re talking about him now. So he’s, he’s alive today. I feel like by keeping his name out there, talking about Shep, you know, like, I feel like they’re here with us. Until … I believe I’ll see him again. Like, that’s just my belief. So maybe, you know, I asked him to help guide me until I do.
Angela
I believe that Shep is with me every step of the way. And he continually shows me where I need to be and what I need to do. Bella does that too. But you know, she’s … she’s still young at eight, she hasn’t stepped into her wisdom yet.
Carol
You know, what I found out a lot too, Angela, about this type of cancer … and so many, they don’t get the 13 years, the 14 … like, there are so many who go when they’re 4, 5, 6. And so these are things that make me grateful for that time. I have a different outlook on it than I did several months ago. Because I got that … you know, one of my dear friends said to me, you know, we’ve had 13 years with him, there are some who don’t and, you know, so that kind of changed me too.
But I’ll never stop. I’ll take this level of grief to my grave. I have accepted it. It’s just a part of me. It’s in that grief suitcase inside me and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. So I might as well carry it with me.
Angela
One of the first things that I started learning and studying about grief was that we don’t get over it. We don’t put it past us. We learn to live with it. And we learn how to lessen the pain that comes with our grief. But once you experience grief, it is with you forever. And it’s … the difference is in healing and learning how to make meaning of your life afterwards. And knowing that the memories of the time you spent with Dexter can bring you comfort and happiness and smiles instead of grief and tears.
Carol
Yeah, and I balanced the two. I mean, I’m, you know, I’ll probably get off of our podcast and have a good cry. I just … I knew, I knew that I needed to extend that love to another dog. I don’t have a heart that could close off. People say “never again.” And I used to say, I thought, “no.” And then when your dogless. No way.
Oh, I can’t be on this planet and be dogless. It’s just not who I am as a person.
Angela
We have friends who have said that once their Lab passes, which they expect to not be soon, but not long term either, that they’re not going to get another dog because they want to go traveling and do all the things. And my husband was sitting at the table and he looked over at me and he goes, I don’t ever see us being dogless.
Carol
Yeah.
Angela
And I fell in love with him all over again right there. That’s me, he gets me and you know …
Carol
That’s so beautiful.
Angela
It came to it … it just came to pass that I was only without a dog for nine days after Shep.
Carol
Yeah, five months and it was hell for me. It was just the time of year and you know … we’re in a situation to — it’s a little bit, it’s on topic — but where you can’t find emergency vets that are open in many parts of the country or they’re filled to capacity and they can’t take you, that compounded our nightmare and I’m sure a lot of your listeners can relate to this as we couldn’t find a facility that would open their doors to my dying dog. And so we wound up three hours from home at midnight on a cold winter night.
Angela
Wow.
Carol
… Begging them to take us in and you know that that added a whole new level of … you know you think you work in the pet industry, and you know people and somebody … but when it’s the depth of the night and you know midnight and vets say “sorry, can’t take you” or they lock their … they’re locking their doors around here to emergency room so people cannot get in because they just don’t have the help. And there’s a huge vet shortage; you should do a show about that sometime. There is a huge vet shortage and I’m grateful we found someone but I’m sad it took us … those few hours I had left with him, a lot of them were spent in panic.
Angela
Mmhmm. Very traumatic
Carol
I didn’t know what was wrong with … my dog is gonna die in my arms. I just, yeah, you know something was wrong but … deep breath.
Angela
If there’s one thing I know that is true about you is that you have continued to write. Has it been cathartic for you?
Carol
Yeah, it has. It, it actually has. I’ve written more about grief, anticipatory grief, how to manage those … the first few weeks after grief are different than what it looks like two months down the road, six months down the road. And the level of people who are engaging with that, who feel the same way, one of my most sought-after posts was “I fear my dog is going to die.” And, you know, people are finding that and I’m not alone, I mean, that’s getting several thousand visitors a month, like 7-, 8,000 visitors a month or on my blog are looking for, “I’m afraid of my dog dying,” and they’re not, they’re not old, you know, they might be 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 years old, or they might be 13 or 14.
So there’s … this death has brought me closer to people who are experiencing the same type of thing. And so that’s a beautiful thing. I think dogs are love and they unite us all even in their passing. You know, so he’s truly not gone in that sense. And that physical missing him is one thing, but I feel that he has such an energy that he’s still giving from where he’s at.
Angela
So what you’re saying is that his death has brought a new meaning to your life.
Carol
Absolutely. That’s perfectly said. Yes. Absolutely.
Angela
One of the things that you probably noticed as well, in dealing with your grief in such a public manner is the feeling of weirdness that comes with mourning the loss of a dog. How do we use our stories to move forward the idea that grieving a pet is normal and OK?
Carol
There’s still a stigma in society. And as you and I have spoken, of people who just don’t understand that the loss of a pet is sometimes even worse, or more harrowing than the loss of a person. That pet is with you 24/7. Plus pets are nonjudgmental, they’re always happy to see you. They don’t care if you have a dime to your name, or if you look like crap.
And when that that’s gone, and especially you know, your dog’s with you 24/7. I mean, I don’t know if you remember Lon Hodge with Gander the service dog. And he … this gentleman is a military veteran and had PTSD and this dog was everything to him. And the dog died. And so then what happens when that service dog was your best friend, but also your medical necessity dog.
I’ve had talks with him about this and he still gets the ” Well, go get another one, just go get another one.” And it’s not that … it’s, it’s not even that … it’s not that easy. That is the worst thing you could say … if anyone’s listening and they’ve ever said that, stop doing that.
Even if you mean well, pick something … say nothing. Just don’t say anything. To normalize loss, you’ve either got to walk through it or think about the worst thing that can … what’s the worst thing that could happen to me and then pretend that happened. That’s what it feels like to lose a pet you love.
Angela
Yeah.
Carol
And like my thing really — and I’m the kindest person you’ll meet — is just shut up if you don’t have something good to say when someone’s pet dies and I don’t care if that’s a snake or a bunny or a ferret, life has meaning. And if … you have no right to tell someone the right way to grieve, there is no right way to grieve. It’s … everybody’s grief is on a different path. And it’s not one long continuum.
I mean, my grief might look different than somebody else’s, but I will never judge. If you’re not … maybe you won’t cry for a year. I mean, I know people that have gone to funerals and they didn’t cry. It took six months to realize “oh my god, my mom’s not here anymore.” Grief doesn’t look the same way for everybody.
Angela
It does not.
Carol
So stop saying mean things. That old adage of, if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all.
Angela
Yeah well, just last week I was … I was training my pet photographers around, around the things that we can say to support our clients who are in anticipatory grief. And I went over the list of things that you absolutely should not say. And we’re all pet people. So we’re not ever going to say the phrase “just ” or … that is not going to happen. But what we can do is let our clients know that when someone does say that to them, feel a little bit sorry for them, because they will never understand what it’s like to have the kind of relationship we have with our pets.
Carol
Right. And there are some people who do just actually have kindness in their heart. And sometimes it’s a generational thing and they do think it’s OK to say, “you should go get another one.” Like, and in my case, that was the answer. But I think it’s, that’s a journey you have to take on your own, and know when it’s time.
But it’s not that you’re replacing the pet. As you know, as your listeners know, it’s just that it’s adding a new depth to your life, it’s adding a new color. You cannot replace a mom or a dad or like, whatever, it’s just … Pets have really infiltrated — especially in these last three to four decades — they’ve infiltrated our lives in a way I think that’s never … we had the family dog stayed outside when we were kids until it was winter. And then she came inside. And now I look back, just you know, I’m mortified. We wouldn’t do that now. But I think we’re, we’ve come a long way. And this new generation coming in, it doesn’t say those kinds of things, they get more and I think that compassion is sorely needed in all aspects of society right now.
Angela
And storytelling …
Carol
And storytelling, there’s always going to be a place for … videos are great, social media’s great but there’s nothing like a story that … you don’t curl up with a social media post, you curl up with a good book. You know, and so that’s how I feel. Stories are there to touch the heart and that’s what I hope to … that I’m achieving through my writing, you know?
Angela
And they’ll keep Dexter and all of your dogs alive in your heart and in your soul, in your memory and, and for others to learn from as well. Especially where you have your blog.
Carol
Yeah, and I’m not like … you started … I’m not over it, over it at all. I’ll never be over it. But I’ve learned to live with it. Good days, bad days, good moments, bad moments. I mean, the funniest things set me off, the strangest things … you know it’s just an odd, odd and I saw myself to an animal communicator trying to … you do these things and I do believe there are people with a gift but you just want them back so much that … I’m just glad I’m starting to come out of the darkness.
Angela
What lies ahead then?
Carol
Yes, so just help … continuing to live my life in the company of dogs, working on my blog, my writing, my clients and I’m launching a pet copywriting business because I see so many people that need the help with their writing. And I think, “Uh, you know what I would have said” and I’m tired of saying that for over a decade so I want to try to help people who need somebody to help them say what’s in their head but they maybe can’t get it right through the keyboard, you know? But always about pets for me … it’s got, I’m not leaving the pet space. This is where I’m meant to be.
Angela
That is awesome. And thank you for sharing your story and for coming on to the podcast today. I think we’ve talked about some really valuable things that people need to know around pet loss grief.
Carol
Yeah, I appreciate you so much.
Angela
I appreciate you. Thank you.
Carol
You got it.
Angela
Believe a new-age blogger and an old ink-stained wretch. Carol and I know our stories matter. Your stories matter.
Your pet’s story matters.
I’m a firm believer that our dogs teach us, guide us, shape us into the people we’re meant to be. They show us the way.
In his physical life, Dexter showed Carol the way, the path to whom she wanted to be as a writer and as a human.
In his ethereal life, he continues to guide her … and I know he’s taught her a lot about how to deal with Alvin, her Cocker puppy who just turned 10 months old.
Because puppies are the devil.
You know it’s true!
Next week, I talk to my friend Courtney Bryson, who owns and operates CM Bryson Photography out of Atlanta, Georgia.
Her special breed is the Boston terrier. She isn’t just a Boston lover, she launched her own rescue, the Rescue Ranch, which is dedicated to saving medically fragile and special needs Boston terriers.
We take a walk down her journey into photography and how a horse named Ginger helped define that journey and underscore the importance of end-of-life pet photography.
